A Sellout's Heart

author's note

I'm sorry guys but this isn't an update.

I just have these things inside me that I need to release. I've been dying to confide in someone so that they can hear what I'm feeling but I just can't. I feel like that I can only really talk to you guys because you all have helped me through the roughest and toughest patches in my life. So now, I'm just going to type it all out here....

Okay so I have two friends { wow Jade } and i love the both so dearly. But lately i have been feeling a little indifferent...

Okay, so we all know that as friends, we usually tease and make fun of each other just to get a goof laugh from out of it, right? And it just becomes a habit. Well like all friends, my friends and I do that too.

They tease me and make fun of me all the time, saying things like "you're so stupid." "you're such a hoe!" "hoe! hoe! hoe! hoooooeee!" and all sorts of insults. Usually I'm not bothered by it because it just becomes a habit and something to laugh at. I'm usually not phased by it at all.

But now, it became more consistent. And I don't know, i just feel a little uncomfortable about it. Like they keep calling me stupid and a hoe whenever i do something that's just pretty dumb or something where a comment like that wouldn't be necessary. The consistency of these names are too much for me honestly. Its reached to the point where i can't say anything at all. Because if i say something, that could lead to even more name calling that I've been trying so hard to avoid.

I shrug it off, agreeing to their snarky comments with "i know I'm stupid" or "thanks." But when i'm really thinking "am i that stupid?" "do i really come out to sound that stupid?" They don't think I am feeling this way because if this act....and that causes them to continue it.

And then i get all quiet. Then that causes them to lash out on me asking "why the fuck are you so quiet today!" "Are you on your fucking period or something?" That leaves me to apologize apologize to them later.

And when i try to make a comment like that, they get extremely upset and mad at me, leaving me dumbfounded. Why do they get upset when i call them names? They don't see me shouting at them when they call me names! And that leaves me to apologize to them. Again.

I always have to apologize. Not once have they apologized to me for making those rude comments. Never.

They don't even know what I'm thinking or feeling when they randomly call me out like that. They don't understand the depression I begin to feel. I feel this way because believe it or not, i have never been called anything like that before. To me...I honestly feel like this is bullying...

I have wanted to tell them about how I felt but I just know what they're going to say. They're going to say stuff like, "seriously Jade? Are you that weak?" "It's just a joke. Chill." "Can't you take a joke for once?"

Well I do. I take their "jokes" every single day. And just because i act like i don't care, that doesn't mean that they shouldn't at least think about or consider how i might be actually feeling. They have known me for at least 3-4 years already...

I'm sorry that instead of a chapter I had to pour out my feelings to you guys....Please excuse my bad conventions in this. I am typing with trembling hands due to the cold and my trembling heart....

next update is soon to come.

-Jade