He was a Bad Boy then (Tony Perry Love story Fanfic)

Chapter 21

*Alisson’s P.O.V*

I can’t believe I just said that.

What am I even thinking? Admit it like that? Hell, every single ounce of effort to appear strong in front of Tony was ruined by this fucking weak feeling I have. I seriously wanted to just…run and go somewhere where he can’t find me or just fucking hide from him.

“Shit.” I muttered as I buried my face on my palms again. I just couldn’t bring myself to look at him.

“You…what?” Now he spoke. There was a hint of confusion in his tone that I couldn’t put a finger on. Maybe he was surprised as I am for admitting that. I mean, I was crazy enough to admit that! I hate him and every single soul in the world knew that but why? Why am I feeling like this when he’s around? And I find it hard to maintain being mad at him knowing that…I like him. Deep inside. But that’s too shitty and fucked up.

“Never mind. Pretend I didn’t say that.” I said, standing up and facing away from him and went directly in front of the window just to avoid facing him. I wanted to tell him to leave but I couldn’t bring myself either. Why am I born so damn weak that even this single thing that I wasn’t sure of few days ago, I couldn’t hide from him?

“You think I can pretend that I didn’t hear it?” He said before standing up too – I can see through the faint reflection on the window – and went a bit closer to where I was standing. God, Tony. You’re making things difficult for the both of us.

“Yes. You can.” I said flatly and it cost me a lot just to say those words.

“No.” Tony said, there was finality in his tone that made me sort of afraid of something though I don’t know what it is. “Do you mean it?” he asked again and with that, I sighed.

“No. I-I don’t.” Freaking hell! Why do I have to stammer like that? I just hate myself.

“You don’t?” He said and that seemed to be the word I needed to get my courage back and faced him.

“Yes. I don’t mean it, Tony! I fucking hate you! Why would I like you anyways?” I lied.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be punished because of lying for so many times. I kept lying to myself even if I know, deep inside, lying would do me no good. But I hate appearing so weak and fragile to people that’s why I always do it. That’s why, even if I know it’s wrong, I always lie to him and to myself.

He seemed to be convinced at that one, though. He looked shocked, his eyes were wide as plates – if it’s even possible. His kind brown eyes looked hurt than ever and I hated myself for that. I know what he did to me before was terrible but I also know that I should grow up and leave it all behind. But I just don’t get myself anymore. I don’t get why I have to be so hard to him when I know and I could feel that what he says, everything he says, were true. That he’s different.

“Right.” He said, sounding restrained and went back to sitting at the edge of the bed with now additional rigidness all over his body. I bit my lower lip and closed my eyes. I hate everything now.

I decided not to speak for a moment because I know that’s the only thing that would help me now. I wouldn’t find any peace if I ever talk to him again or say something or anything! It’s eating my brain cells out.

“Look, Tony,” I started, sighing before I slowly walked back to the chair. “I-It’s difficult for me to talk about it. You have to understand. Now,please. Just…go.” I said softly, nearly whispering. I find it difficult to tell him that way. It’s like ripping some part of me that existed inside me for a long time but I was too blind by hatred to even notice it. But he couldn’t blame me for building up walls around me, could he? After all, he was the one who did this.