Yūgen

Something Old

She came back to her condo unit from the mall that Tuesday night, clutching bags upon bags of gifts as she finished yet another round of Christmas shopping. It always made me wonder where she had been getting her energy these past few weeks, since she arrived in Manila. There were reunions left and right—with family, with extended family, friends and co-workers. There was the eventual return to work. There were phone calls and emails. And even more phone calls and emails. And then, there were shopping trips, like the one she had that night.

As she dropped the shopping bags on the floor and finally sat on her couch, I could tell that she was really tired. So tired that she didn't seem to mind the silence around her. Then again, perhaps, she had been so used to the silence. It was just her—no Richard in tow for the first time in eight years. And it looked like she had been handling it well.

She didn't feel like closing her eyes yet, though. One moment, she was just looking at the ceiling, seemingly waiting for a scene to play out on it. Another minute, she trained her eyes towards the side table next to her, where there were a few pictures of her, and one still remaining of her and her husband—or, was it, "soon-to-be former husband"?

She picked up that frame with the picture of them together and looked at it closely. I couldn't tell how long ago that was, if they were already married at the time it was taken, but it must've sparked some memories in her head—enough to make her stare at that picture for quite a bit. Yet all she could muster was a half-baked smile.

She put the picture frame back on the table. No, she still did not reach for me in her pocket. After all, there were no tears to dry. There hadn't been any since the moment she said goodbye to Richard and walked out the door. Even as she took that flight back to the Philippines. Even as she slept through all those nights alone, without him beside her.

Maine did not need my help.

Then, her phone suddenly broke the silence.

"Hello, 'Nay?" Maine said as she took the call. She stood up and started pacing around.

"Opo, kakauwi ko lang po sa condo. Ay, 'di po, eh. Naubusan na raw 'yung book store. Baka next week pa raw sila uli magkaro'n ng stock no'n. Basta, sabihan ko kayo kaagad. Okay, sige, daan po ako d'yan sa Saturday. Tamang-tama, nand'yan daw sina Ate. Miss ko na rin 'yung mga pamangkin ko, eh. Okay, good night po, 'Nay! Love you!"

She heaved a big sigh as she ended the call and put her phone away, then started walking back to her room. She suddenly tripped on one of her shopping bags, and out of it peeked a stuffed toy—a giraffe she intended to give to one of her sister Coleen's kids.

Maine picked it up, and stared at it lovingly and longingly.

***

It took them six years after their wedding.

"Okay. This is it, Maine." Maine thought aloud one night, while inside the master bathroom in their apartment. "Sana, ito na 'yun!"

She carefully put the pregnancy test kit onto the bathroom counter and dressed herself up while anxiously waiting for the result. Minutes seemed to tick like hours.

One line.

"Tangina namaaaaaaaan!" she exclaimed as she threw the test kit into the garbage can nearby. She held on to the counter in despair and looked at herself in the mirror as she began to sob.

She had probably gone through close to fifty pregnancy test kits by that time. And that night, she probably had it. With relatives...friends...anyone and everyone who kept bugging her and Richard about when they can expect a baby from them. And with herself, because, since they decided to work on conceiving, she felt like she had not done her part well enough.

That disappointment was finally showing—at least to herself, and to me. It had been welling up ever since the first pregnancy test she did showed a failure. Yes, between her and her husband, she may be the brave one. But even the bravest of hearts could afford to shed a few tears from time to time. And I just happened to be the lone witness to that.

"Maine, babe? 'And'yan ka pa sa loob ng banyo?" It was Richard, who just got home.

Quickly, Maine scrambled to get herself out of her sadness. One of the first things that she reached for was me, from one of the pockets of her jeans hanging by the bathroom door.

"Yes, babe," she replied, trying to stifle her sobs. "Sandali lang, may inaayos lang ako rito."

"Okay," Richard said, "bilisan mo, may take-home ako galing Seafood City, paborito mo."

She washed her hands, quickly fixed her hair, then heaved a big sigh just to let all the sadness and tension from minutes earlier go.

"Hi, babe!" Richard greeted her as she flung the bathroom door open. "Ang...tagal mo 'ata d'yan sa loob, ah..."

"Yeah," Maine tried to bluff her way through, "uhm, kasi, ano, nagbara na naman 'yung toilet kanina, so I...tried to fix that. Don't worry, okay na siya!"

"Nicomaine, 'yung totoo?"

Maine frowned. Richard always knew how and when to catch her red-handed.

"Okay, I...I did another pregnancy test. And...unfortunately, wala pa rin."

They looked at each other for a few seconds.

"Hay. Halika nga rito, Maine," Richard quietly asked his wife as he inched closer for a hug.

"Babe, I'm sorry," Maine said, hugging him back.

"Shhh, tama na," Richard responded, trying to appease her. "Maybe it's really not our time yet. This year's not the year to have a baby..."

"So was last year. How about next year?" Maine countered, as she slowly broke away from the hug. "Babe, kailan pa? Bakit ba kung kailan ready na tayo magkaanak, saka pa tayo 'di pinagbibigyan?"

"Maine..."

"Alam mo, feeling ko, may...I don't know, may problema siguro sa akin. Sa katawan ko. Sa bagay, I haven't been to Dr. Peralta in a while, baka kailangang magpa-schedule na..."

"Maine, ano ba? 'Wag mong isipin 'yan, please."

Maine had completely broken away from the hug, but his hands still found their way to hers anyway.

"Walang problema sa 'yo. Sa atin," he calmly explained. "We'll just...I don't know, just keep trying. I mean, we're both still in our 30s, after all. Kaya pa natin, okay?"

She sighed one more time as she looked up. She wasn't easily convinced at that moment that things will be all right because Richard said so.

"You know what, let's not worry about this for now, okay? Sabi ko sa 'yo, may uwi akong pagkain, 'di ba? Baka kasi nagugutom na ang minamahal kong misis." One of his hands moved to caress her face. Her frown gradually changed into a smile.

"Sunod ako kaagad, okay lang?" Maine asked. Richard nodded in reply and headed outside to the kitchen.

Maine looked at her husband as he headed out. She asked herself what in the world she had been doing right to have kept him by her side. Even through the challenges of conceiving. Even through all the tears that she knows he should not see. Even if—right now, at least—she could not fulfill the one great thing that she knows would make him the happiest.

What did she do to still deserve him?