Yūgen

Bright Blue Sky

She keeps me on her bedside table now. At first I thought it was a mistake. I've never heard of people keeping their wedding garters on their bedside table. Then again, I don't go out much. I haven't really seen much of the world. For all I know, this could be a common practice. But as the weeks go by and the longer I stay here, the more I'm assured that she keeps me here by choice. Every so often, I see her glancing at me. Every single time, her mouth would tilt up in a smile as if looking at me made her remember pleasant things. Good. She needs to smile more. She's a worrier, this one. I only know because she's developed this quirky little habit of talking to inanimate objects before she sleeps at night. She started doing it after that night when she talked to Richard's photo. It helped her organize her thoughts, I think. Or maybe she just needed to vent, to let her feelings out without fear of judgement so that they wouldn't accumulate and fester in her head.

Tonight, she's talking to her pillow.

"No offense ha, fluffy ka din naman but it's not the same. Di mo naman ako mayayakap. Malamang. Pag ako nagising na yakap ako ng mga unan ko, takbuhan na. Nakakamiss though. Before Richard and I got married, I always got iffy at the thought of sleeping next to someone. Ayoko ngang tumatabi kahit kila Coleen. I got claustrophic, kind of. Parang pakiramdam ko nauubusan ako ng space and para kong nasusuffocate. Ang OA no? Pero ganun talaga yung pakiramdam ko nun. But with Richard I never felt that. He has this way of molding his body to mine when we sleep that doesn't feel constricting. Does that make sense? I could feel his weight and his warmth next to me but it's the comforting kind. Hindi yung nakakasakal. These past few years nasanay na din naman akong mag-isa akong natutulog pero namimiss kong may katabi. May kayakap. Yung may kakwentuhan ka bago matulog. Madalas may goodnight momol kasi alam mo naman kung gano kalandi si Richard. More often than not the goodnight momol leads to sexy time. Come to think of it, I kinda miss the sexy time too. Richard is...uhm...skilled."

She got a faraway look in her eyes and, after a few seconds, I saw blush staining her cheeks. She shakes her head vigorously. After a beat...

"I miss him. We've been chatting and talking and Skyping and that's been great but there are times when I just want to reach through my computer screen and kiss him, hug him. But at the same time I'm also a little thankful for the distance because, tried and tested naman na that Richard brings out my impulsive side. I don't want to jump into things too quickly this time. I want him to be sure. I want to be sure."

She let out a huge yawn. She pulled her comforter more snugly around herself and buried her face in her pillow. She yawned again.

"Pero namimiss ko talgang may ka-cuddle eh. I just want to be cuddled," was the last thing I heard her mumble before she went out like a light.

A few days after that, she got her wish.

***

Her head rested on his arm, below his chin, against his neck. Her back was against his front, his other arm holding her close. She was such a heavy sleeper, he didn't even worry about waking her up when he climbed in bed with her. He was breathing deeply, his nose buried in her hair but he wasn't asleep. He was just relishing the feel of her, her sounds, her smell, her.

He felt her stretch and heard her groan and sigh. He knew that that was a sure sign that she was going to wake up any moment now. He felt her stiffen when she became aware of his presence. Yep, she was awake now alright. She gripped the arm that was wrapped around her and pushed her hips back against his. He felt something else stiffen in his boxers.

"Am I dreaming or did my pillow really grow arms?"

He pulled her closer to him.

"...and a Junjun? Did my pillow grow a Junjun too?"

She slowly craned her neck to take a better look. It was pretty comical the way her sleep-heavy eyes widened when she saw his face.

"Good morning, mahal," he greeted her in a voice laden with weeks of pent up longing.

She responded by shutting her eyes tight.

"Panaginip nga ito," she said as she snuggled closer to him and buried her nose in his chest, "I might as well enjoy it."

"Maine, look at me."

She did.

"You're not dreaming."

"That's exactly what dream Richard would say."

"Oh yeah? Can dream Richard do this?" he brushes featherlight kisses over her lips. Once. Twice. Three times.

"Dream Richard is a much better kisser."

"Bullshit."

"It's true."

He answers by practically attacking her lips with his. Before they knew it, he was on top of her, her legs wrapped around his hips, her hands trapped above her with one of his while his other hand slowly gripped one of her thighs.

With superhuman resolve, Richard unlatched his lips from Maine's and placed his forehead against hers. They were both breathing heavily.

"I couldn't help myself. I just missed you so much. Sorry, Maine."

She raised an eyebrow at him.

"Are you really?" she wiggled her hips which were still pinned underneath him.

He groaned. "No. No, I'm not."

He kissed her once more, slower this time before he rolled off of her and to the other side of the bed. Maine sat up and ran a shaky hand through her hair.

"When did you get here?"

"A few hours ago."

"Bakit di mo sinabi sakin na uuwi ka pala? Sana nasundo kita sa airport."

"I wanted to surprise you."

"You wanted to surprise me o you wanted to ambush spoon me?"

"The latter was just an unexpected bonus," he waggled his eyebrows at her.

"Harot mo eh no? Umagang umaga oh."

"Walang pinipiling oras ang harot, mahal."

She rolled her eyes at him.

"Look," he sat up, scooted closer to her and put his arm around her, "I really am sorry about getting carried away earlier. I know you want to take things slowly but I just missed you so much and I really, really wanted to kiss you. I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable."

"I wasn't uncomfortable. I kissed you back, didn't I?"

"I just...I want you to know that I'm not rushing you, Maine. We'll take this as slowly as you need it to be as long as isa lang yung pupuntahan natin, I'm willing to wait. Please know that."

"Why?"

"What do you mean why?"

"Why me? Why us? Why again?"

"Why not you?"

"You know me, Richard. You know my fears. Alam mo yung insecurities ko. Alam kung paano ako topakin. That divorce was a mutual decision but I was the one who initiated it. What if I freak out on us again and leave you again? I don't want to break you like that again. Breaking you broke me too," she said sadly.

"That was years ago, Maine. Ibang tao ka na, whether you see it or not. Ibang tao na din ako. We were too young when we got married. We loved each other, sure, but we still had some growing up left to do. You weren't strong enough to stay. I wasn't strong enough to make you kasi pareho tayong insecure. I wanted more than anything to make you happy even if it meant letting you go. I think our time apart helped us grow into the people we're supposed to be. I'm more secure in myself now. I've seen the world, Maine. And there's nothing and no one out there that makes me even half as happy as being with you does."

He paused, wiped the tears streaming down her face and kissed her forehead.

"So take your time, Maine. Figure out the things you need to figure out. But this time figure them out with me. Because I'm telling you, mahal, I'm not going anywhere."