⚘ Synesthesia ⚘

Chapter 10 ⚘

Chapter 10 of 11:
Everything's a Mess

Avery sat quietly in the police car while they escorted him back to his house. He didn't feel like talking and the officers didn't really seem up for conversation either.

The whole ride he felt exhausted, as if he could fall asleep at any moment. But the image of Ryder in the bathtub was more than enough to keep Avery awake.

Every time Avery shut his eyes he saw him in vivid detail. Ryder looked like some sort of monster that was in the movies. His skin was ghastly white and it reminded Avery of an old porcelain doll. It could be broken with just one touch. The comparison wasn't that far off, considering the dark lines that seemed to run throughout Ryder's face.

Ryder's mouth had been slightly open, as if in silent protest, and his lips were chapped. There were dark circles underneath his eyes that contrasted his skin in a terrifying way. It wasn't like a full moon against the night sky. It wasn't at all poetic. It wasn't pretty. It was utterly disgusting and Avery hated how it had looked.

When Avery found him, Ryder looked like a cross between a zombie and a ghost, except for the fact that he wasn't granted the ability to live again. As stupid as it was, Avery still hoped that somehow maybe Ryder would be one of the two, although that had yet to come true.

And his wrists. That was one of the worst things in Avery's opinion. It not only represented a broken promise, but it also led to Ryder's death. He remembered the cuts going vertically from a little above Ryder's wrists, stopping just before his bicep. Avery was no stranger to suicidal thoughts and he knew Ryder wasn't either, but he never thought it would end like this. He never thought Ryder would leave him.

Ryder was 17. He only had a few more months left, and Avery so badly wished that he would've just held on a little bit longer. He just needed to stay alive for a small amount of time and then they would be free.

But he didn't.

He didn't stay alive.

The image of Ryder was one that Avery knew he wouldn't ever forget. It was seared into his brain and he imagined he would have nightmares for a while. That was, if he could even sleep.

Avery remembered Ryder's eyes being closed so it looked like he was sleeping. Normally that would be good. It meant he was peaceful. But for Avery, he hated that. It meant that Ryder had left him, and he wasn't even sad about it. It meant that Ryder left willingly and without protest, not even giving a second thought for his friend. It meant he didn't care.

And that devastated Avery. Because while Ryder may have stopped caring, Avery didn't. And Avery wanted to be mad. Oh how badly he wanted to be upset at Ryder for doing such a thing. But he couldn't be mad. He couldn't be upset.

Because he loved him.

My God, how much he loved the dorky, blue haired boy. The boy with the adorable dimples. The boy with a smile that made Avery's heart melt. The boy who gave Avery feelings other than stress and sadness. The boy who let Avery past his wall that he had built. The boy who would do anything to make Avery feel better. The boy that had been there for as long as Avery could remember.

The boy that was gone.

When they finally arrived back at Avery's house, his mom was standing on the front porch. Her face looked tired and tear stained, as if she had been crying. He assumed that the officers had called ahead and told her the news. Honestly, he didn't remember anything past the point where he had been grabbed by the officer.

Avery climbed out of the police car with a numb feeling. He tried to come up with a color but he couldn't. In fact, he couldn't see hardly any color at all. He could see the color on one of the policeman's uniforms, but he couldn't discern anything else.

"Oh, Avery." His mother pulled him into a tight hug, but Avery couldn't bring himself to hug back. He felt so heavy and he didn't feel like he could lift his arms up to reciprocate his mom's embrace.

Avery's mom slowly let go and turned to talk to the police officer. Avery just stared blankly at the trees next to his house. He had no idea what his mom and the officers were talking about, and he didn't care enough to listen.

The trees reminded him of Ryder. They would go to the forest frequently, but Avery doubted he would be returning to the area anytime soon. He didn't really feel like moving, much less walking through the woods for a mile or two.

Avery felt someone gently grabbing his hand and coaxing him inside. He followed the person inside mindlessly.

"Avery?" His mom seemed unsure if she should even be talking to her son.

"Yes?" Avery asked. His voice didn't sound like it normally did. It was quiet and strained. Whoever just spoke didn't feel like Avery. He sounded so different, so foreign. It wasn't him. It couldn't be.

All of that aside, Avery wasn't even sure how he was speaking in the first place because he just felt so weighed down.

"Baby, I'm so sorry." Avery's mom spoke. Avery only nodded dully.

"Me too."

Avery's mom closed her eyes and took a breath. "Can I do anything?" She asked. Avery shook his head. He looked over at his mom and immediately regretted it.

Avery might have lost his colors, but her facial expression was enough to tell Avery what she was feeling. He hated seeing his mom upset, especially when he couldn't do anything to help.

Looking at his mom stirred something in Avery. It reminded him that this was real and that Ryder was really gone.

He was really dead.

Avery felt tears coming to his eyes and before he could wipe them away, his mom noticed. She only pulled her son into a hug and let him rest his head on her shoulder.

Avery didn't mean to cry. He didn't mean to have a complete breakdown in front of his mom, but he needed someone right now, and the person he normally went to for comfort wasn't there. And he wouldn't be there ever again.

"I can't see them." Avery said, his voice shaking. "I can't see colors." Avery's mom stepped back for a moment.

"What do you mean?" She asked, wiping a tear away from Avery's face.

"I can't see my colors." Avery answered, his voice shaking "I can't see them." Avery's mom shook her head and put her hand over her mouth.

"Oh honey," she said, tears spilling from her eyes.

"What?" Avery asked. When his mom didn't answer, Avery asked again, "What do you mean?" His voice was more forceful now. His mom closed her eyes, pulling Avery in for another hug.

"Avery," she started. "You could never really see colors."

"What?" Avery asked, pulling away.

"Avery-"

"That's not true." Avery denied. "No, that's not true." Avery's mom tried to interject, but Avery cut her off. "Yes, I could. Ryder was blue just like the ocean and you were orange with yellow and red streaks and Doctor Hughes office was brown and, and..." Avery stopped talking for a moment and looked up at his mom.

"Why would you say that?" He asked. Avery's mom sniffed and rested a hand on her son's cheek.

"Avery, I know this is a hard time for you-" Avery cut her off.

"What are you saying?"

"I know this has been traumatic," Avery's mom began. "Look, Avery," she paused, trying to figure out how to phrase her next sentence. "You could never fully see colors."

"What are you talking about?" Avery asked. She had to be wrong. She had to be.

"Avery," Avery's mom started, "You're colorblind."