⚘ Synesthesia ⚘

Chapter 11 ⚘

Chapter 11:
Coffee Black and Egg White

Avery didn't really know much about the funeral, considering he didn't even go. It probably wasn't the best decision, but he didn't feel like talking to everyone. Avery didn't want to grieve with others, he just wanted to be alone.

Nonetheless, Avery still was going to visit Ryder at his grave. He didn't bring flowers or anything, but Avery did bring a poem that he had wrote for Ryder.

I am colorblind and tongue-tied

I'm being taken apart from the inside
I'm being torn down brick by brick

And my sadness seems to stick
Even more so now that you've left
And the colors that I once kept
Are gone
Just like you

It wasn't amazing, but it's all Avery could come up with. He wanted to do something for Ryder, even if it wasn't the best. He felt like he needed to. He had tried to make something better, but he could hardly get past writing a few lines without feeling like he was suffocating.

The weird thing was, Avery had yet to cry about Ryder ever since that day with his mom and he felt sick

Disgusting.

How awful was he? He didn't even have any tears to shed.

Avery walked over to where Ryder had been placed, and stopped a few feet away from the headstone.

"I'm sorry." The words just kind of tumbled out of his mouth. Avery didn't even think about it, but that's what he wanted to say. "I'm sorry that we had such crappy last words to each other." He said. "I'm sorry."

Avery reached over and touched the headstone. He had no idea why, but when he did, it made everything seem so much more real. He knew what had happened, but now everything felt so different. He was aware of the fact that he was dead, but a switch felt like it had went off. It made Ryder's death feel so much more true and it made Avery feel so much worse. Avery blinked.

He was really dead.

He was actually gone. He wasn't going to come back. He was dead. And there was no way he could come back from that. "Oh my god." Avery whispered. "Oh my god."

Ryder wasn't there. He wasn't going to walk back into the forest to find Avery. He couldn't, because he was dead.

And then the tears came.

It was like the breakdown with his mom all over again, but this time Avery didn't have a shoulder to cry on. He was alone.

Completely and utterly alone.

It wasn't a very manly thing to do, but Avery cried. He cried and screamed and kicked at the ground. He knew that his yells and tears wouldn't bring back Ryder, but Avery was going to try.

"Come back!" Avery yelled. "Why did you leave me?" He screamed. "Come back!" Avery kicked and beat at the ground, as if it was the reason that he felt like this. He had so many emotions all at once, and he had no idea what he was supposed to do.

Avery punched and thrashed around until his body couldn't go on any longer. He screamed until his throat started to hurt. He only stopped when his knuckles started to bleed and when his voice felt raw and worn out.

Avery took the poem he had wrote and tore it into dozens of different pieces. He ripped it again and again and again. Because Ryder didn't deserve this poem. He left. He left Avery all alone. He shouldn't even have a poem. He shouldn't have any gifts. The paper soon become stained with tears and blood, but Avery still clutched on tightly to some of the remaining pieces.

And yet, he still couldn't be mad.

He wanted to be angry. He really did. But he just couldn't. He couldn't bring himself to be mad. And it was absolutely frustrating.

There were a lot of people staring at Avery and his outburst, but he didn't care. Because Ryder was gone, so what was the point?

"I'm sorry." Avery said again, starting to calm down. "I'm sorry I pushed you over the edge." His words didn't even sound coherent anymore. His voice kept cracking and he had to constantly wipe his eyes. "Please Ryder, I'm sorry." Avery repeated. "Oh my God please, I'm so sorry." He knelt down next to his headstone and rested my head on the piece of rock.

"Why did you leave?" Avery asked, his voice even quieter than a whisper. But he knew why he left.

One could've said it was because of the beatings, or it was because of mental illness, or anxiety, but Avery knew the real reason. He knew why.

It was because of him.

Avery felt terrible. It was all his fault that Ryder was gone. If Avery had forced him to come home that one night, then he wouldn't have died. He would still be here.

If Avery was so despicable as to be responsible for someone's death, then why was he even on this planet?

So, Avery said one final thing to Ryder before he went to join Ryder in his fate. Because if he was going to leave, then Ryder needed to know one last thing.

It was something he had denied for a long time because he was terrified of feeling such a thing, but Avery didn't really feel scared anymore. So, Avery took a deep breath and decided to speak to Ryder one last time.

"Ryder," Avery began. "I'm sorry that you're gone. And I'm sorry that I never told you something. You were my best friend and I love you. This sounds stupid, but you made me feel and see colors, even if they weren't there. You made me feel a little bit happier and more alive. Thank you Ryder. Thank you for everything that you've done for me. I can't live without you." Avery wiped some tears away and gently placed his now heavily stained and crumpled poem pieces down.

"When I said that I loved you, I didn't mean just as a friend. I really do love you. Like a lot." Avery added, a sad smile on his face. "I'm not good with words." Avery wiped his eyes again. "I was much better with colors, but I can't see those anymore. Everything seems dull and bleak and I-I-" Avery stopped for a moment, trying to collect his thoughts. He took a breath and shook his head.

"I'll see you soon."