Little Do You Know: Jaspar (boyxboy)

2.8 » He's Not Breathing

Joe's POV

a/n i cried as i wrote this chapter bc i listened to a sad song... ( nobody cares but i wanted to say it anyway xx )

"He's not breathing," the paramedic tells me.
The paramedic is wrong. Caspar's breathing, he's alive. He only took like a whole bottle of pills, he's fine. He'll just throw them up and we can call it a day. He's fine. He's okay. The love of my fucking life is perfectly fine.

"Joe, are you okay?" Zoe asks me. I guess I didn't react the way she expected me to, but that's just because she's overreacting. He's fine, he just took a couple of pills. I see a couple tears fall from Zoe's eyes, and I pull her into a tight hug. She needs to know that he's okay.

"Zoe, he's fine. He just took some pills, he'll throw them up and he'll be fine,"  I say to her. She releases me and shakes her head.

"N-n-no Joe, you d-d-don't understand," Zoe says, shuddering. More tears fall down her face as I just stare at her with a blank face.

"We need backup, male 22 year old unconscious, barely clinging on to life," the EMT yells, and my whole body freezes up. I can't move, I can't speak. All I can do is replay his words over and over again.

Someone who is better off dead than alive.

I dash to Caspar's lifeless body, that is still laying on the foot of my bed. I cling to him; burying my face into his chest, tears streaming down my face. "Ca-a-asp!" I sob, taking short breaths in between words. I can't speak, my throat won't let me. All that comes out is a muffled sob and a croak.

I faintly hear people clamoring and yelling. They aren't my main focus, Caspar is. I bring my right hand to his hair and run my fingers through his hair, sobbing. "I'm going to make this right," I say, crying. I lift up my face and place a short kiss on Caspar's blue lips. His face is drained of all the color. No, no no no. He looks dead, he he he he can't be dead.

"Joe, come here," Zoe says to me, pulling on my hoodie. I shove her hand off of me and sob into Caspar's chest. It's all my fault, it's all my fault. He's dead because of me. I intertwine my fingers into his cold hands. Tears don't stop flowing out of my eyes for a second.

I can feel two people trying to pry me off of Caspar's body. "No! No!" I scream, trying to shake the people off of me. I look at Caspar's face, so pale and fragile. I release my hand from Caspar's and stroke his cheek. He didn't deserve this, I didn't deserve him.

As the force pulling me off of Caspar gets stronger, I start flailing my limbs, kicking and punching the air behind me. But that does nothing, it just makes me cry harder. I kiss Caspar's cheek before standing up and punching one of the EMT's in front of me.

I punch the other EMT harder, causing his body to fall backwards. The other EMT tries to calm me down, along with Zoe, but I don't listen and just punch him over and over again. "Joe! Stop!" Zoe screams, pulling my body off. I start screaming, not words just sounds. They start out loud and filled with rage, but quickly they turn into muffled sobs. I lean my head into Zoe's chest and sob, as she holds my head and rubs my back.

"It's all my fault," I say, in between sobs.

My throat gets tight, I cling onto Zoe as hard as I clung onto Caspar's lifeless body. Zoe is all I have left.

"It's not your fault, shhhhh." I don't believe the words that just came out of Zoe's mouth. It is 100% my fault.

"I need to leave," I say, breaking the hug and wiping my tears. I run out of the apartment, with Zoe chasing me. I sprint down the road, fresh tears brewing. I don't know where I'm going. I'm just running and crying.

The whole world seems to be in slow motion. I can't make out my surroundings because my vision is blurred from crying.

After about ten minutes of running and crying, I find myself at Oli's apartment. I wipe my tears on my sleeve and buzz in. I see a tired Oli facing me.

"Caspar tried to kill himself," I say, and he immediately pulls me into a hug. I start sobbing once again. I can't help it, I'm a fucking crybaby. "It's all my fault. It's all my fault. It's all my fault."

"No it's not, Joe. He loves you, he does. He made some mistakes, we all do," Oli says, running his fingers through my hair. "It's definitely not your fault."

I cling onto Oli tighter, and he drags me into his apartment instead of staying in the hallway. I feel us sit down, and I can't stop crying.

"I could've stopped this. I could've stopped this," I say, crying. Oli stars rubbing my back and shaking his head.

"No, you couldn't."

"Yes I could've, goddamn it. It's all my fault!" I scream at the top of my lungs, kicking the ground and punching the air. I start tugging at my brown locks, tearing some of them out of my scalp.

"Shh, no," Oli says, restraining me with his arms, and holding me down on the ground as all I do is sob. I've never cried harder.

Authors note//

Hi I'm back lol. Miss me?