Searching For Sanctuary

17. Who Are You

I stood against Harry's front door for a few minutes, leaning on it heavily. I didn't care if somebody from down the hall came out and saw some random, teary eyed girl hanging around his flat. I didn't care if him or Olly came out while I stood there. I simply did not care.

And as I stood there and a few silent tears streamed down my face, I came to a resolve. It was foolish and I was repeating previous defensive tactics, but it was all I had left in my artillery. The tears fell from my chin and dipped into the corners of my lips, drying in place.

When I finally moved away from his door, I moved mechanically. With my small purse in hand, I walked to the lift at the end of the hall and reached for the button. I pressed it, fingers numb to the shiny surface. I waited for the ding and the doors to open.

I never once looked back at the corridor. I simply stared blankly at the metal doors in front of me.

This is what you get, Aisling, My head told me harshly.

I didn't argue with the little voice in the back of my mind that reprimanded me. I just stood at the lift, waiting for it to take me away from this Hell on earth. When the bell dinged and the doors opened, I stepped into an empty lift. The doors closed and I descended to the lobby below.

I walked past a few couples, hanging onto each other as they stumbled into the building, laughing too loud. They beamed like the other was their source of light, illuminating the dreary night. They clung to the to the other's arm for what looked like balance, but I saw the way the woman's fingers curled around the man's bicep. I knew.

In the silent lobby, their squeak shoes resonating throughout and their laughs bounced off the walls right into my head. They stumbled past me, heading for the lift. And that was it. That small, insignificant sighting should have been nothing.

But it was the fact that they were drunk, laughing, and clinging to the other that had me. They were happy. They were going to get in that lift and go up to their flat and finish off their evening just how they planned to. They were going to be happy. They were going to be okay.

I walked past the man at the front desk, ignoring his curious stare. I pushed the front doors open, walking out into the chilly night. There was a downpour that had come through that was lightening up. I walked under the overhangs of the adjoining buildings, getting wet as I passed through open spots.

I really didn't care though. I couldn't bring myself to.

I wasn't quite sure where I was going. Yes, I intended on finding a station for the tube, but I had absolutely no idea where one was around here. I walked aimlessly, eyes searching for signs.

I couldn't say how long I walked. With my heels dangling from my fingers on one hand and my purse clutched in the other tightly, I wandered the streets of the city in search of the tube. I was lost and I was tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally. I was drained.

I thought that when I came down from my high, I would still feel like I was on top of the world. I thought that something would be proven. I thought - quite foolishly - that something was going to change between Harry and I. But when I came down from my high, I crashed, shattered into irrevocably pieces that lay scattered across the dirty floor. I was done.

After a lot more walking and many rocks getting jammed in my feet, I found the station for the tube. I moved down the steps of the layered stairway slowly. When I made it to the bottom, I was greeted with silence. At this time of night, or early morning I suppose, people weren't taking the tube anywhere.

I reached in my purse and my fingers fished around for my ticket that Doc had bought me while he was out and about this morning. It felt like a lifetime away. This morning to now felt just as distant as last month to now. Time.