Searching For Sanctuary

15. First Day Flutters

Weeks went by.

I wish I could say that they did so quickly, flying by at a speed that made it easier to cope. They didn't. It felt like every second that ticked by tested my patience and self-control. I could hear the ticking of the clock in my mind.

I was becoming even more insane.

Doc got me my own mobile so that when he wasn't at the flat with me, he would have a way of contacting me. It's funny though, because he rarely ever called me, but someone else did. I would stare at the illuminated screen of my mobile, watching it vibrate against the glass coffee table.

The name and number were clear as day. I watched the small phone as it buzzed and demanded my attention, waiting for me to pick it up. I didn't. When the lighting ceased and the buzzing stopped, I would count to ten for the process to repeat itself. It did.

I looked away from the mobile to the room around me. Sitting in the living room of the flat, I could see most of the front room and the dining room and just the smallest sliver of the kitchen. Twinkling Christmas lights lined where the wall met the ceiling all the way around the living room, down the expanse of the hall, and into the dining room.

Just beside the entertainment center stood out seven foot tall Christmas tree, twinkling and glowing bright. All sorts of inane ornaments hung from the branches, filling the spaces where the lights couldn't. A fairy with a dress that changed colors sat topping the tree, staring down at me. She was judging me. I could feel it.

I unfolded my legs from beneath me and padded to the kitchen. I grabbed a bag of crisps and pulled myself onto the counter, legs dangling over the edge. In the silent flat, I could hear the mobile vibrating again, pleading with me. I tore the crisps open and stuffed a handful into my mouth.

Eating was good now. My nose didn't subconsciously scrunch up at the sight, my lips didn't curl down, and my eyes didn't search for any other place to look. I chewed happily, letting the sound of the crisps breaking with each bite drown out the mobile in the other room.

I was supposed to start my first day of "work" today. Was I excited? No. Was I in any way ready to go? No. Was I going to regret eating this many crisps? Probably.

I was so antsy and nervous that my legs wouldn't stop bouncing against the counter. Doc was very evasive when I asked him about what exactly I was doing at this new job. He really only told me that the owner of the company was an old friend that needed someone new and inexperienced to work.

That was my cue.

I was basically going in there blind. I had no clue what to expect. My job could range anywhere from filing papers all day to actually selling houses. I didn't even know what kind of job this was. Was I working with bonds? Was I doing realty? Architecture? I didn't have the slightest idea.

Doc was out running a few more errands before he swung by the flat to pick me up and drive me to work. After today, I was going to have to ride the tube to and from work, which I was completely fine with, because that meant more time by myself.

I wasn't ready to go.

Physically, mentally, or emotionally. Physically, I hadn't showered yet, my clothes were strewn across my floor - I had been too lazy to actually put them in the closet or dresser - and I didn't have anything prepared. Mentally, I wasn't ready to work, plain and simple. Emotionally, I was going to be stressed beyond, I could feel it coming.

So, to procrastinate all of this, I remained planted on the kitchen counter and chewed on the crisps. This was a very bad habit of mine. Instead of getting ready and not stressing about all of this, I took the initiative to let the clock tick by without making a move to do a thing.