Fried Burrito

t w E N t y

I opened my eyes with a billion emotions. I was bitter, strangely nostalgic, and most all...Fed up. I was tired of being this way. Contemplating everything was becoming exhausting. 

Ugh, in the words of my good friend Daphne, I needed to get up and stop whining.

I rolled out of bed and stared at my reflection for a minute.

My curly hair looked messier than it usually did and my skin looked way drier than it was. Even standing in my own oversized T-shirt and shorts, I still felt disconnected with the girl I was looking at right now. Instead of sitting around with someone waiting to get better, I needed to go out and get better by myself. I couldn't pin this on Jace anymore, none of this was his problem.

I stayed out for a few hours not knowing or caring what time of night it was. I didn't do much except cry and eat anything I came across. My mind was finally silenced and my heart had full control. I was feeling instead of thinking and I felt a lot of things. I didn't push myself to define them because I figured I now had to learn to be open-minded with each one. Every feeling was there for a valid reason. 

 I was simply conflicted about the validity of Jace's relationship with me at the same time I was conflicted about the personality defining traumas that have been occurring. I'd talked to him about every emotion that came across my mind and he listened. He did turn out to be a great listener and he was going above and beyond to be there for me in the way I should've been for myself. Despite the recent trauma, I knew that I shouldn't have been so dependent on him but after years of focusing on others, it felt nice to have someone so patient and caring focus on me. 

He had been busy telling me terrible jokes and one-liners before he fell asleep with the biggest smile and the most annoying wink I have ever seen. He made me laugh despite everything else which was what I something I appreciated. 

 I wasn't ready to declare such a huge statement of commitment with someone who made me question everything I knew about myself on a daily basis. Before Jace, I knew who I was; an independent girl transitioning into a career of power and grace. During Jace, I constantly questioned if that was what I really wanted when deep down inside, I knew that it was.
He made me question things about myself that I never even knew I would think of. He gave me so many new perspectives on myself that I began to doubt my previously known abilities so how could I even dare to say that I was in love with him?

He was too opinionated and stubborn for my head. I always struggled to keep up with him, yet his multiple layers made him fun to unravel but hard to understand. He had the kindest heart and he helped me evolve into a better me, so how could I dare to not say I was in love him? 

Around 4 am I started to make my way back home towards my room. I came in the same way I left, which was swiftly through my window. As I stepped through, I came face to face with a tense torso. Jace had woken up.

He stared down at me with crossed arms and a tapping foot. He looked like my dad when he did this yet my dad never waited for me like that.

"Where have you been?" he questioned.

"I needed some fresh air," I replied.

"Yet that didn't answer my question," he said with a dark tone.

I looked at him, confused as to why he was being so short with me. I didn't do anything wrong.

"What's your deal?"

"What's my deal? What's yours?"
"I asked you first."

"You're being ridiculous right now!" he scoffed from across the room. "You're going to act like you didn't sneak out of your room without telling me anything? I woke up at 2 without you here and now it's 4, that means you were gone for over 2 hours doing who knows what."
"Well I'm sorry Dad, next time I'll make sure to tell you. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is that something could've happened to you and I wouldn't be able to do anything because I wouldn't have known where you were!"

"This town is not that big, you'd be able to find me Jace."

"That's not the point! I am over here putting myself on call for you everyday and-"

"Nobody asked you to do that Jace! If it's such a problem you can just leave."

Jace stared at me with me with so many unsaid words. I could tell that he was confused at my sudden burst of anger but this was the only way I knew he would give me the space I needed to figure myself out. 

"Caden, you don't really mean that."
"Stop telling me what I mean! I'm tired of people telling me what I feel."

"You know that's the last thing I try to do with you."
"No Jace, I really don't. Just go."

"Why are you acting like this?" his voice shifted from annoyance to fatigue. He was starting to look as drained as I felt and it hurt that I made him this way. He didn't deserve any of this.

"Why don't you go read your articles and tell me why I am, Dr. Phil?"

"Wha- That was one time Caden, what the hell?!" he moved to stand in front of me before he placed his hands on my shoulders. "I only did that because I love you."

My heart warmed because I knew his words were true, the last couple of weeks were proof of that. 

"Well, I don't love you Jace." 

His eyes noticeably fell as did mine. Our lack of words meant that my words did the damage I didn't try hard enough to avoid. I didn't know if what I said was true but it was too late to take it back.

"What's going on in here?" asked another female voice. As if things couldn't get any worse.

Jace and I turned our heads to see my one and only mother standing in my doorway, smirk visible and arms crossed.

"Nothing. We're done here." Jace said as he tore himself away from me. I suddenly felt worse than I did before as I watched him go.

"Seems like you're good at chasing away other people too, not just me," she sighed from the door.

"What are you doing here?" I was in no mood to be taunted by her.

"Work has spared me a couple weeks to be at home."

Oh brother.

"Aren't you excited to see me?" she questioned with open arms.

"Ecstatic."