Fried Burrito

e i g H T e e n

I remember waking up in a daze, completely unaware of the lack of clothing on our bodies. I was sore, sad, and wet, and I had no idea how to fix it. Jace's body wrapped around me in a way that usually made me feel greater than great but that night, it felt different. I wasn't a virgin anymore and Jace told me he loved me for the first time. We did what we did once but he said what he said twice. Both times were just the same. I didn't feel anything and I didn't know what that meant. I didn't know if I loved him back; prior to this point for me, I had only been considering the fact that I possibly did. Considering was very different than knowing it. 

I only kissed him to substitute my lack of words and show my appreciation in the moment but, I didn't expect for my most sacred wall to be cracked open. In a coffee shop too? I hated that. If he loved me, he would've waited... He would've stopped. But, how could I expect him to do that when I didn't tell him to stop? 

I was so mad at myself for not being specific and I was mad at Jace for not reading between the lines he claimed to know so well. It was unbearably frustrating. 

Why didn't anyone tell me that having sex for the first time sucks?

A knock at the door broke me out of my thoughts and back into the dim surroundings of my room. Jace was standing on the other side of my bed covered in smiles while holding up a small batch of pizza rolls. My body became unbelievably itchy as he neared my side of the bed and I didn't want him close to me at all but he sat down anyway.

"Good morning sunshine," he smiled into my hair before leaning in to plant a kiss on my lips.

I found myself turning my head away as flashbacks of our previous night together flooded through my head. I looked at him and saw someone who loved, cared for and knew me. He listened to me and never judged but, he didn't stop. He kissed me like he meant it and always held me tight but, he didn't stop. He let me ask all the dumb questions that came to mind yet, he still didn't stop. Why didn't he stop?

I had to know, I knew I was going to regret this later but I really had to know. For my sanity.

"Are you okay?"

"Sure."

"Okay then," he sighed. "How about we go do something?"

"Something like what?"

"Have sex," he smirked playfully but his words made my heart plummet to the bottom of my stomach. "Geez babe, I'm joking! What is up with you today?"

"I'm just a little under the weather."

"Why, what is going on?"

"Nothing. I just keep thinking."

"About?"

"Why you didn't stop."

"Sorry?"

"I didn't stutter, why didn't you stop?"

"Stop what?"

"Kissing me, loving me, everything. Who said that was the best thing to do in the moment?"

"Caden, what are you talking about?"

"You know what I'm talking about."

"No, I honestly don't."

"What happened yesterday night then?"

Realization flushed over his features as he watched me tighten the covers around my body.

"Oh my gosh... Are we pregnant?"

"No!"

"Did you get in trouble with your brothers?"

"No."

"Then what's the problem?"

Tears flooded into my eyes and they threatened to spill any second. I hated crying but I hated feeling like this even more.

"You didn't stop," I whispered with a cracking voice. My hands were shaking from being clenched together from so long that I felt my heart starting to ache. I didn't know what to do. "You fucked me and you didn't stop. You told me you loved me and you didn't stop. You just kept going."

His eyes were wide as he witnessed my first and only break down in front of him. His hands automatically reached for my face but I leaned my head away instead of falling into his touch.

"Caden I didn't know that you didn't want me to... I-It seemed like you wanted me to. Why didn't you say anything? Geez, Caden, I can't believe I read the situation all wrong. I'm so sorry baby."

My heart jumped at the sound of the sincerity in his voice but I had to ignore it. I was going to throw up. My first boyfriend had made me feel violated and I don't think I'll ever be able to get over that.

"I can't even look at you the same anymore."

"Please Caden, let's just talk about this okay? I wasn't trying to hurt or violate you... I love you, you know that."

"So? That doesn't matter, sex is supposed to me feel good and close to you when all I feel right now is farther away. You were my first and I wasn't even thinking about having a first for a long time."

"Caden-"

"Just stop. Stop saying my name like that and just go."

"But Caden-"

"Jace! Go!"

And we locked eyes. The hurt pouring from his body was evident as he internally struggled with what to do. I already knew he wanted to stay and fix things but he already knew that for something as emotional as this, he needed to give me some time and space. After a few minutes of silence and tears, he got up and left me to wallow in my emotional despair for the rest of the evening.

Around 3 am, I decided to check my phone. I knew I wasn't sleeping tonight and I hadn't replied to anyone all day. My notifications were filled with strangers and a few friends from my social media yet I hadn't posted anything in a few weeks. Curious to see what the commotion was about, I opened it. Upon my entrance, I found an almost seven-month-old picture Jace took of me, back when we first met. He took the picture on our second official date, and I never realized how happy I had been. My smile was big and genuine and my eyes looked lighter than ever. Jace wasn't even touching me in this photo, I remember he had just told me a stupid joke and I remember not being able to hold my laughs back. He was just too funny.

The caption under the picture had been simple and sweet, "Caden Bennet, you have my heart. I love you. #wcw".

I couldn't help but smile as I cried at the same time. There was someone out there still giving me the love I craved even after I caused some emotional trauma. I didn't know if my feelings about Jace were justified by my actions but I did know that Jace was planning on holding himself true to his word when it came to loving me.

I had to appreciate him for that.

"Caden," a sharp voice broke me out of my swoon and made me aware of the new presence in my dark room. "Why are you laying here in the dark on the phone? Are you trying to damage your eyes and go blind?" 

"Hello to you too, Mom," I replied while sitting up. "How was the latest trip?"
"Nothing but business, you know that," she snapped back before she plopped on my bed. "So, I saw a boy who was not apart of my usual son collection leave the house before I came in. Care to explain?"
"What makes you think I know him?"
"Well, he came from the direction of your room—" she paused to look at my phone. "There's your picture, on his page."

Oops. 

"Oh, he's... Just a friend." 

"Is that right?"

"Yep. It's so right that you can't even go left," I chuckled nervously. Instead of humoring me like my father would, she simply shook her head at me and stood up. 

"I'll let whatever you're trying to hide slide for now," she said while checking her phone. "It'll have to come out sooner or later." 

I huffed out a short breath of air. Hopefully never.