25 or 6 to 4 {EDITING}

Fear

I slipped the straps of my backpack off my shoulders and dropped it on the side of my bed. Thankfully, I had no homework to finish, so I threw off my shoes and socks, grabbed my computer, and turned on Spotify while I surfed Pinterest.

My playlist was pretty diverse. Most of it was composed of random songs that I had picked up from various settings, such as youth dances, friends, parties, performances, movies, etc. The artist I listened to the most often was without a doubt Imagine Dragons.

As I was searching through some Percy Jackson pins, Battle Cry began to play. I wasn't really paying attention to it at first, but when the lyrics started to play, I stopped and listened.

Just one more time before I go
I'll let you know
That all this time I've been afraid
Wouldn't let it show
Nobody can save me now, no
Nobody can save me now

Stars are only visible in darkness
Fear is ever-changing and evolving
And I, have been poisoned inside
And I, I feel so alive

I guess I never fully explained why I wanted to be in band in the first place. To be completely honest, this dream is so old I can barely remember why, myself. I guess the first and most obvious reason is because my family is very deeply rooted in music. I cannot name a single member of my family who does not sing or play an instrument. I can't tell you when I started singing, it was just too long ago, long before I was in school, before I learned to read, maybe even before I stopped wearing diapers. There has not been a day since where I have not been caught humming a song to myself. If you want me to calm down, stop complaining, get motivated to write, whatever, bring me my iPod and leave me alone with my music.

Ever since I can remember, music has been a part of my life. I think, eat, sleep, live, and breath music. If you need a song to sum up your life, talk to me. If you need to relate a song to a topic or vice versa, talk to me. If you need to rant to someone about how no one appreciates your music, talk to me. Where most little girls fantasized about them being princesses born in grand castles with a pretty pink tutu, I was in my own little world fantasizing about how I was this huge singer with the most beautiful voice that everyone loved. I didn't give that up until I moved to where I am now.

I do have to admit, there are those times when I'm bored on a long car ride and just start relating every song that plays on my iPod to a specific topic, but most of the time, these analogies come to me at random.

Such as this one.

I mentioned that I had jumped from instrument to instrument during eighth grade, but it was a lot most complicated than that. My first real instrument with the clarinet. I might have told you that I liked it, but I never did. I wanted to play the trumpet, but no, everyone else told me I should play the clarinet. So, after countless "suggestions" to play the clarinet, I finally gave in and started to play. Yes, I acted like I was enjoying it, but deep down, I was looking for excuses to not practice, just as I had done when Ms. Blue first put the trombone in my hands and asked me to play. Why was this, you might ask?

The clarinet was broken.

I'm not exaggerating, it really was. The first few notes were fine, but anything else would just come out as a squeak. No matter what I did, I could never get the notes to come out right. I would sit there for a long time, determined to get it right, but weeks of mistakes began to chip away at my patience until I finally got the courage to go up to Ms. Blue and say that I wanted to try something else.

The saxophone was another story. This instrument was also broken, but unlike the clarinet, all but 3 notes would ever come out right. There would be times that I would sit down to play, play one note, hear it squeak, and then immediately start sobbing. The clarinet destroyed my confidence to play in front of others. The saxophone destroyed any remaining hope I had of having a musical talent. I can't remember the last time I was able to practice on my own. Yes, I would try, but it would only result in me sitting there for 15 minutes with the mouthpiece to my lips trying to get the courage to play just one note.