25 or 6 to 4 {EDITING}

Fix Me

One of the sopranos walked around passing out copies of two songs, California Dreamin' and Bless the Broken Road.

Ms. Blue was really trying to make me cry.

California Dreamin' was the song that I always listened to when I was younger. I never understood the lyrics, but that was always my idea of California. Bless the Broken Road was another story.

I set out on a narrow way,
Many years ago
Hoping I would find true love
Along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two,
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign
Pointed straight to you

I couldn't stop the tears from trickling down my cheeks.

I think about the years I spent
Just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost
And give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan
That is coming true

Every long lost dream
Lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart,
They were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way
Into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I guess it's time I open up. For the past seven years, my family has been moving around from place to place trying to find a permanent home. That was in the middle of second grade. I loved that home. We had great neighbors, I never heard of an inappropriate joke, and bullies were just a fairytale.

And then we moved. That's when I learned what depression was.

I can't tell you how that felt. It was so long ago I can barely remember. After that first move, I was going to that school for three days before it started this huge chain reaction. To think that all of this started because I needed braces. That was the very first insult I ever received. It all went downhill from there.

The next school made up this little "game" called the "Kaylee Touch," inspired by the famous Diary of a Wimpy Kid. I couldn't walk anywhere without having someone scream and run when they saw me. The next two schools were pretty okay, but I was only there for three months before the next school came up, resurrecting the Kaylee Touch, and I was again left with no friends.

Middle school was worse. I was that one musical nerd who would never amount to anything. I was that one kid in the back of the room who was always talking to herself because she had no friends. I was that one nerd who always had a book with them, running away whenever someone would approach her, hiding in the bathroom so no one would see her tears.

Yes, I told someone. Did they listen? Yes, they did. The real question is, did they do anything about it? Did they believe me when I said I feared for my life? No. No they did not.

No matter what I did, no matter what I said, no one would reach out and help me, not even with my music. They tried, but they didn't do much. I was sitting in the back of the classroom with my eyes burning red from the tears, and though they would constantly ask me what was wrong, the answer was always "just ignore them."

Oh, I see, just ignore it. Just ignore it when someone is digging through your backpack to find your instruments so they can hide it from you, or ripping out the pages of your songbooks, your notebooks, or your favorite novels. Just ignore it when people surround you in a circle and bombard you with insults that you can't ever block out because they're screaming at you. Just ignore it that you can't ever do anything right and everyone around you is calling you stupid for trying. Just ignore that feeling you get deep inside of you that eats away at your own life. Just ignore that it won't go away, no matter what you do, no matter who you're with, no matter how hard or long you cry.