25 or 6 to 4 {EDITING}

I Push Myself Too Hard

{video shown above is Also Sprach Zarathustra}

We got three new songs on Monday for homecoming: Also Sprach Zarathustra, We Are Young, and Give Me Everything. I immediately whipped out a pencil and started to write the positions on the music. Give Me Everything looked the simplest, but Also Sprach Zarathustra was more or less melody.

Kayla stepped up at the front of the room and held up a fist for us to quiet down. "Also Sprach," she said.

This song was actually the easiest of all of them. Ms. Blue had us playing eighth notes after the first six measures instead of quarter notes like the music called for. It was a bit complicated with all of the tied whole notes, but the piece was really easy to sight read. We Are Young was also pretty simple once I got down the notes. The real problem was Give Me Everything.

David was conducting for this one. After we had run through the song once, he went to each section and asked them to play their parts. Trombones, as usual, were the last ones to play. Our strong players weren't here, so we had to improvise a bit. The part didn't look too hard, but the main portion of it was sixteenth notes and rests. "Trombones, you have to play loud!" he yelled. He clapped his hands and sung the part. "This is the tempo."

As we played the part again, David apparently was getting too impatient with us, as he eventually came to stand behind us to watch us play. I felt the hairs on my body stand on end and he leaned in to hear what we were playing. I felt my lips stop buzzing. Don't stop, Kaylee, play! I scolded myself. I began to shake. I have no idea what to do!

"Why are you looking at her slide?" David demanded. "You need to learn to read the music."

"Yes, but I'm confu-" I began. I didn't get to finish because David just turned around and started talking to Jessica and Zoe about how to play and keep tempo.

Really, David? I complained silently. I'm trying! Cut me some slack! I wasn't ever looking at Zoe's slide in the first place. I really was looking at the music. I wasn't sure if I wanted to slap him, yell at him, or just start crying. We were dismissed a few minutes later.

I was so bummed out the next period. We were playing tennis in P.E, but my heart was just not into it. I really wanted to do something to improve my playing. I felt like I could get better. By this point, I knew enough about the instrument that I was confident that I could play. I was tired of being that one person who never knew the music.

When I got home that day, I opened up my Personal Progress book, which is a little like a girl scout handbook, I guess, but without all the badges and survival tests. There are eight values: Faith, Divine Nature, Individual Worth, Knowledge, Choice and Accountability, Good Works, Integrity, and Virtue, and they all have a list of experiences that you can complete, most of which involve reading scriptures, writing in your journal, and/or doing an activity. Additionally, in order to "pass off" a value, you have to complete a ten-hour project that shows how you've grown and will continue to grow in that value. These projects are created by you, but the book does give you a few ideas. For my projects, I like to give each one a title, a theme, and a reason why I was doing that specific project.

I flipped to the Integrity project page and picked up a pen, writing in the description of the project:

"Targeting Fear." After a year of jumping instruments, my Heavenly Father has helped me in finally finding the one I can be proud of. For the next three weeks, I will find the time time to practice every day (except Sunday). I will be sure to push myself to ask for help when needed, and I will record in my journal the positive ways that I have improved, as well as areas for improvement.