Beloved: Memoir of a Phantom

Chapter 22 - Come find me

Chapter 22- Come find me

Yet another month crept by slowly and again I hadn't spoken since my little screaming episode. Sean was good to his word and explained treatment options for suppressing those horrible thoughts, memories and "Hallucinations" as he referred to them. We gradually tried some of the different methods ranging from medications to electrotherapy, finding only temporary results with each.

No matter how hard we tried to block them I was still seeing my lost ones in my nightmares every night and dwelling on them every conscious hour of my day.

Early in March I recieved an unexpected letter in the morning mail from Genia. I was so excited to hear from my friend again that I tore into it greedily; forgetting entirely about my breakfast, letting it grow cold. What I found inside however was dissappointing.

Dear Isadora,

I know it has been a long time since we've spoken last and for that I'm very sorry. However my old friend I feel the need to tell you some exciting news of mine. Chris was accepted into the army and will begin his training at a base up north in April. We have a charming little house picked out near the base and we will be perminently moving up there after our wedding in May. I wish that you could be there as my maid of honor, but I somehow doubt that I'll ever even hear a response to this letter, since the last time I went to visit you you wouldn't even bother to speak to me.

I know for some reason you might be angry at me for your current situation, but truthfully, friend to friend you did bring this on yourself, Is. Anyway I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you old friend and that I missed you.

I hope to see you again soon after we've gotten settled up north.

Love Always,

Genia

I grimmaced as I crumpled the letter in my hands. I knew she wasn't going to visit again. She was trying to bow out of my life gracefully so that she would be left guilt free about her part in putting me in this place, some how twisting it around to be my fault.  Honestly it would have made me feel better if she had left no letter at all, rather than this almost gloating letter bragging about how successfully her uncomplicated life is going.

I was in a rage. With my last sliver of hope cruelly dashed I felt like breaking anything I could lay my hands on, so in my fit I smashed my plate of food against the wall before fleeing to my room to continue my destructive rampage. I flung my records against the wall to shatter in a heap and I threw my few posessions off the shelves.  Once again I wished to forget about them; all of them, forget I was alone, and just forget everything! One by one I took my snapshots off the wall and tore them into little tiny pieces, tossing them in the air like confetti and letting them settle on the bare tile floor around me.  I lifted the painting off the wall and was about to smash it over the bedrail, but something stopped me from destroying it.

As much as I hated everything else at this moment I just couldn't hate his artwork. It was like holding a piece of his soul laid bare in my hands, both vulnerable and fragile and so raw with emotions. I fell to my knees and gently laid the painting face down amongst the broken clutter.

 Why was everyone so determined to keep me alive if they all never intended to visit me again and pretend as though I never existed? None of this made any sense to me! I took one of the jagged pieces of one of my broken records and pressed the point into the pale flesh of my wrist and watched as the crimson life force ran down my arm to mingle with my silver bracelet, across my plastic medical tag to run down my palm and pool on the tile floor before me. I curled up into a ball amongst the shattered brittle plastic and watched my blood roll toward the drain in the center of the floor thinking "Please just let me die. Please don't let anyone save me this time.