I know you guys are probably sick of hearing me go on and on and on about my life and all, but sometimes I just need to write about it and I've never been very good at keeping a diary.
This is probably going to be a ramble about my life and stuff, so if you don't care or whatever, you can stop reading here. I'm going to be rambling about things that have been bothering me for a while and more recent things.
In first grade I made a best friend. She was really the only friend I remember making that year. We used to have sleep overs and play dates all the time. That was the last time we had a class together until 7th grade. We had reading together. She made a new friend and I noticed changes in my friend. Not many of them were good changes. Since then we've had random classes together. Last year we had science together. We talked and stuff like we used to. One day she came to school and during class she shared some of the things her and her friends had done the night before. I couldn't believe her. She had changed completely for the worse. We haven't had a sleep over and hung out outside of school in about two years. So far we don't have any classes together. And I really miss hanging out with her. Yeah we're into a lot of different things, but we still have things in common. I miss her.
My friends and I don't really hang out much. We're all really busy doing other things. I remember when we used to hang out almost every weekend at eachothers' houses. Now the only times we really get together is birthday parties or school events that we both end up going to. Sometimes I can't even reach them on the phone so we don't really talk much. I'm scarred that we're falling apart at the seems and that someday I won't have them. If I lost them I don't know what I'd do without them. I'm absolutely terrified to go to college because we're not all going to end up at the same one.
I miss my one cat, Sassy. When we moved to the house we're in currently, we tried to take her with us. But she had been a stray that we took in and she had become my cat. When we moved her she stayed in my room with food, water, and a litter box. She had been shut in my room all day. She hadn't eaten or drank anything and the litter box was unused. When it was time for me to go to bed I shut the light off. She walked around my room, meowing constantly. She attempted to climb my brand new blinds, ruining them. When I would turn my light back on she would walk around my room constantly. Either way I couldn't sleep and she was clearly not happy here. I sat in my bed for hours it seemed like. At 1am I went into my parents' room and woke my mom up. I told her that Sassy wasn't happy here and that I wanted to take her back to the other house. That was her home and she didn't want to be here. Mom talked to me about it and I told her that I was possitive because I wanted Sassy to be happy. So at 1am (on a school night) my mom and I drove back to the old house with Sassy and we let her go there. I haven't seen her since.
I hate being in relationships. I always have. They make me feel like I'm in a tiny box with no room to move. They make my chest hurt. I'm constantly feeling like I have to do everything to make the other person happy when I'm in a relationship. I do love people, I just don't want to be in a relationship. Two people that have told me they love me and want to be with me forever (or someone close to them has told me they said that) have me completely and totally confused and lost. I just don't know what to do. I had what I was going to do almost figured out months ago, but then things changed with one of them so I let it drop. But thing's are back to how they were month ago but worse. If I chose one, then the other will kill himself and vise versa, or at least I'm pretty sure they would... And if I pick neither, then they will either hurt themself or kill themselves. And no matter which one I pick, I'm bound to loose friends over it... No matter what I do, I'm trapped and there's no way out... One of them is constantly sad... The other is constantly questioning weather I love him or not... And if I say, "I give up..." Then they'll both do something stupid... I just know it... I can't loose them...
My cat is 10 years old. My mother thinks his age is finally catching up to him. Last night I spent over an hour, crying and hugging him, begging him not to die and that he needs to fight. Today my mom and I have already noticed a slight change in him and it's for the better. He's acting a tiny bit more like himself.
My uncle is on hospice. I grew up with him in my life until a fight between him and my parents happeded a few years back... I most likely won't get to see him one last time.. My aunt gives him about a month... I'm going to miss him.
There's only a small fraction of what's running through my head at a million miles a second... If you read this entire thing, I'm sorry for wasting your time...
