We left nothing, but our paw prints in the snow

Chapter 23

Chapter 23:

I felt them coming. I yipped quickly to Mate about it and left to my den. Nobody would follow me there. None of the wolves. This was something I had to do by myself.

I slunk away through all the trees, a silent shadow. I heard the pack behind me, playing, celebrating. Mate must have told them. Nothing that I needed to take into consideration.

I was approaching the den. I listened. I sniffed the air. I looked around. I felt the earth beneath my pads. No wolf except me. I went a short way away from the den nonetheless, just in case, the back-tracked and approached it from the opposite side. Sniffing the air once more, I bent down and entered the underground den. I folded my ears back to prevent earth from falling into them. I felt the dirt cling a bit to my ruff, but that couldn't be prevented.

Preparing this had been quite something, but now it was done, now it would have to protect the cubs as well as me during this difficult time. My belly was getting very painful, so I lay down from my crouching position and relaxed my muscles. My belly clenched up again and I nearly whimpered in pain, but that would have given my location away.

The dried leaves that I had gathered crunched under my weight as I shifted my position to something more comfortable.

The pain in my abdomen was almost unbearable, but I didn't long to share this pain with the world. Only the result of the pain.

One and one cubs had died, one and one and one cubs had made it. I licked the survivors clean and then let them suckle a bit. Their continuous pawing and sucking was lulling, making my lids get heavy. I closed them, but kept my ears pricked, my body ready to defend my cubs at any moment. But the repeating movements slowly lulled me to sleep.

I heard some scrambling just outside the den. Panic stricken, I gathered the three living cubs to me, put them behind me and faced the entrance, hackles raised, a low growl forming in my chest.

Then I smelled a smell I hadn't expected to smell. Pup. Now her human smell didn't seem so much like a threat. I smelt knowing, fear and calmness at her.

“Come on then,” I growled at the entrance. “Come on in.”

“Me?” Pup asked.

“Yes,” was my growled reply. I wasn't sure I wanted her here. I trusted her as part of the pack, but there was no denying it; she would never really be – always caught between her world and mine. There was no pack-rule or tradition that didn't allow her to come and see me now.

Pup's head stuck in through the entrance. It would be a tight fit with her in here as well, and I'M sure she wanted to see the cubs, so I told her to go out again and followed her. We stood there. Spring had arrived, but it was snowing again.

I stood aside and revealed the entrance of the den. Pup looked at it then, as if unsure of what she was about to do, she crawled slowly forward and disappeared into it.

It was suddenly really important to me that she would approve of the cubs, that she would love them like I had loved my siblings, because that's kind of what she was to them. A cub of mine, even if I wasn't her birth-mother. She was my cub, thus the sister of any other one of my cubs.

I waited impatiently for Pup to come back out, to approve. I looked up at the sky and thought about a good meal. Not now. Not until I could be sure I could leave the cubs on their own long enough to get to Mate and get him to get me some food. Then I could return to the den, wait a bit, and go to an arranged meeting place, collect the food, and sneak back to the den, and hope nobody ever follows me. Or even better, I could put Pup on baby-sitting-duty. That sounds like an excellent idea. I might make that one real.

Pup came out of the den and said, “They're amazing!” Her movements and tone expressed honesty.

“Thanks,” I was truly pleased too, and relieved. She liked them. She really liked them. It meant the world to me.

“Hey, you interested in baby-sitting them?” I asked, coming right to the point of my eating-plan.

“Yeah,” she sounded thrilled at the prospect.

“Good. I'll leave you with them. If something happens, howl, I'll be here literally immediately. In the meantime, I'll go and get me some food.”

“Okay,” Pup replied. On that, I turned around and did my weird manoeuvring technique I used to avoid being seen coming or going around this area.

Food was in the near future for the hungry mama wolf.