Having the courage to do more than the normal man or woman would even attempt is a very desirable trait for me personally, I see so many people succeeding at such a more rapid pace than I think to even be capable of, they all have such happy lives from what I have observed, they get something I quite obviously do not, some sort of lesson, maybe just a realization, whatever the case may be. It started to bother me, frequently, like clock work, always in the back of mind, you know what I mean, that pipsqueak voice telling you "You're not good enough".
Well, my name is Gary Parrish & I'd like to tell you why, I myself find that to be a crock of shit, hear me out here, I promise I'll make a point, albeit I am infamously long winded, just hear me out, I ask only that!
I cannot tell you how many times this year I have had so many amazing opportunities slip through my fingers, no. They didn't even slip through, because I just didn't care to take the risk, I didn't want to face the embarrassment of failure, I have failed so many times I feel like that's just what people expect at this point in my life, it sounds so sappy, so woe is me, I just wallow in my own self-pity hoping some miraculous healing words or advice from a wiser one than I. I have nobody to blame for my own downfall this past year, but my own damn self, I take full responsibility for that. I have had so much spare time this year, between all the jobs I had for literally less than 3 to 4 months, that's how bad I was, I was totally just giving on myself before even putting up the slightest fight, I had already just thrown in the towel, just not officially to anyone including myself.
Not officially is basically my way of trying to ignore a painfully obvious issue, yes. I hate facing my problems head on, failure is something I am entirely too fond of, once I realized I had next to no motivation left inside me, it hit me, before I was even totally aware of it I had reached a point where I thought there was no way I could get any lower than the way I was feeling everyday, even waking up for work was a daily struggle, sometimes I would win the struggle, other days I ignored my alarms, I pushed away my responsibilities until they started suffocating me. I could barely keep my lungs full, at times my head couldn't stay above the water, I just kept letting it beat me while I was already beaten & bruised. Broken, quietly suffering because I just did not feel the need or want to burden those around me with my trivial mental battles. That is a massive downfall of 2016 as well, I just don't like asking for help when I hit a certain point, I wonder, ponder if it's even worth opening up about, my trials & tribulations to people, everyone has their own battles that they are fighting. So many unspoken wars, the sheer amount if you think about it could astonish you, so many people around you are warriors in their own rights. If only battle scars from our mental wars were visible to the naked eye, much less judgement would be cast upon our peers. That would be a sight I would love too see, a pinch more love & a whole hell of a lot less judgement.
Sometimes the solitude of being alone, can be a poison when it becomes a lifestyle, being alone for extended amounts of time just get me into my head. Oh boy, my head is a massive place. I am convinced it is a labyrinth with enough twist, turns & dead ends to completely nullify any innate abilities of a sense of direction. I get lost in my own mind for countless hours, it really starts to wear on even the strongest of mentalities, I always thought of myself to be someone with a good head on my shoulders, however as I have progressed & aged for a small period of 21 years, which is mind numbing that I have fought so many exhausting battles that left me drained, questioning more things than ever before, I'm an over analytical person, another fault of mine, for an insane & incredulously difficult to even explain 21 years, my mind is & has been a brutal & grotesque war zone.
While it may not be littered with maimed bodies, blown apart by bombs, gun ammunition or the crimson-gold sheen of an artillery shell covered in the blood of a solider. My mind instead is littered with the distant memories I try so desperately to cling to, the good times I have had, the laugh until it hurts types of moments, the what the fucking fuck is going on moments, but most of all it's the moments that I can truly step back & enjoy now in life. The young kids running amuck causing ruckus just the same way I used to do this time of year, or any other time of year at that age, before the harsh reality of life came hurtling down on me, a meteor labeled life burning white hot through the atmosphere, headed right for me, no escape was available for me, just the truth that life is just a plain old bitch sometimes & you get used to picking up the pieces when they fall, yet every time, the glue gets stronger, the tears don't sting so deeply, no matter what the pain is always there. It changes you, that is inevitable as well as the heartbreak, but that is a WHOLE 'nother free-flow entry in itself honey!
These moments when everyone is smiling, happy to be together if only for a short while, within all the chaos of a moderately large & lovably crazy family gathering, just take a moment to step back & watch the interactions, watch the kids get so excited for their gifts, too see each other again & bicker over the silliest of silly things, just like kids do, we have all been there, oh how I miss it, however an eye for an eye.
Because I wouldn't change a thing, I see from a different point of view now. I just observe the joy, the emotion I take it all in because I frankly just don't do it enough & a day will come were these memories will carry me through the rough water, there will come a time when the memories I make with the ones I love & cherish will lessen the blows of the lows of life. I don't write much because I have so much swirling around in my thick cranium that I don't feel my words come across the way I would appreciate them too, however as with everything, practice makes perfect.
This New Year will NOT be a terrible year, I refuse to let that happen, I refuse to wallow in my own self pity, I am done making excuses for myself, I am a grown ass man who has an insane amount of goals that I will achieve before I draw my last breath, I have no time to waste, time is our most precious resource as a race & we waste it so often & scratch an eyebrow wondering where the years went, well. They flew right on by you, this year will be a year in the fast lane, I am taking charge of my life. I am the captain of this ship, whether it sink or fail, I am the captain of my ship, I will be with her 110%.
Life is too short not to live it to the fullest you can, because some people just don't get that chance for an undiscovered cruel, gut wrenching reason & to that I might add.
I still can breathe, I can still walk, I can still fight for my legacy. I am here, I am the man who won't be moved, you shall not shake my determination or my will to carry on, my wayward son, don't you cry no more, you can bring peace to yourself, give yourself more credit where it's due, believe in yourself more than you think you can possibly even fathom.
Be the change you want to see, think positively, love yourself before you love someone else, most of all & absolutely the single most important point I will attempt to make, have faith in yourself even when you are running on fumes, push yourself to do better than yesterday.
Never do it for anyone but yourself, do it all for you, it's not for the people around you, push yourself to be the best you that you can become simply due to the fact that you just deserve it, you do, you deserve anything you work for & dedicate yourself, truly dedicate yourself.
If it takes blood, sweat & a few hundred tears, so be it. If it doesn't take blood, sweat and tears, you aren't doing this life thing right.
YOU ARE READING
Free Flow.
PoetryJust a few paragraphs I wrote out, it's nothing like what I have ever let someone read, let alone post online, but I can promise you, it's real, my emotions, my look back on 2016, most crucial is my body itching for a running start into 2017, this t...
