Where do I even begin?
This year has been one long shit show, to put it short & sweet. My year literally began with a charge, right off the bat. Happened on my way home on New Year's Eve & I was pulled over by the police officer who was just doing his job, pulled me over for a busted headlight. Legally that's all I should say, to cover my own ass.
Anyway, that was just the beginning of the shit show.
I consistently kept making the most irresponsible choice's just expecting some miraculous saving grace moment.
I was so naive, so stubborn, at times I was even arrogant.
I had achieved much more than I give myself credit for, while on the flip side, I had lost more than I could fathom at the time.
I got my first apartment this year. I got my first car & my license as well, so many milestones. I just beat myself up because fast forward to the end of 2016, I live with my incredible Grandparents, my tags have been expired since 05-16 & I have been a lazy, unmotivated mess this entire year & I have no single person to push blame on too but myself.
This is so disorganized, forgive me. I don't make any sense I just it sounds like word vomit.
I couldn't hold a job to save my life, not exaggerating here folks. My first apartment was such a struggle, however don't let that fool you, I slept like a god damn baby every night knowing it was mine... & my two roommates. Allison & Emily. We stuck through that little run down apartment with a shitty management system when it came to the leak in the main bathroom, which they never fixed. Anyway, I miss that apartment so much, I found a little strength & solace in it. I may not have had much money & didn't lead an exciting day to day life, but what I did do, was my best to provide for myself.
It also humbles you & teaches you how to suck up your pride, or your ego, what have you, and ask your parents for help on rent, or give them a call before dinner because Mom always told you "There will always be a plate & place for you my baby-boy."
Honestly, looking back on this years love life makes me cringe. Many men who all claimed to be different, unlike the rest. None of them actually held true to that claim, shocking I know. I was led on after being caressed & my hair gently played with until I was nodding out, whispered sweet nothings all night. Seriously, you name the tom foolery & I more than likely went through it this year. Bitch I have been through the ringer at LEAST a dozen times, from every direction, always being pulled & stretched to thin. Don't get me wrong, those memories , those spoken words are still beyond valid..
They happened, unfortunately the people saying those words may not have been speaking from the heart which is something an incredible amount of people utterly cannot do. For people like me who take everything, anything into consideration, these things can wage a war on our minds for such a long & dreary time that it essentially saps our energy. Robbing us from a valid experience, snatching the true emotions we felt, ignoring the oh so obvious red flags that spring up faster than a summertime driveway weed. If you really just stop looking into everything as this psycho over analyst, you could experience these things for what they really are. Take a step back, draw a deep, heavy lung expanding & filling breath of fresh fucking air & just
let things be what they are, stop reading into everything so much, just be in the moment.
Life is short, all we have control over is how we feel. If that is the one thing we can have control over, what is wrong with wanting control?
Being in control of my own personal emotions is a prioritized goal of mine for this year, it sits perched high upon my already lengthy list of goals to achieve this run around the sun. It sits pretty for it's shining moment.
While I am ranting about all of this, let me reroute the path I'm taking this entry & start lightening the mood a tad.
I start school back up in about two and a half weeks, I did not finish high school, I let bullies get the best out of me, I came out of the closet as a gay man in freshman year, which was... either 2012 or 2013... I can't remember honestly. A few years back, shall we say? So I took responsibility for my mistake, because I regret dropping out of high school so bad, don't do it. It's the easiest years of your life & I was too headstrong to see that as it clearly was. Now, years later, I literally have to pay the price & get to steppin'.
I learnt so much about friendship, what that word really means more so this year than any prior.
2016 showed me that the truest of friends can still be across the country & still be connected with you. Through social media, mailing letters, phone calls or text messages. Everything, you guys know who you are, real recognizes real they say!
I appreciate & love all of the support you all have given me this year, it's been a rough one but through your words of love & encouragement I found the power to believe in myself a little bit more, to laugh & love, cherish & appreciate as well as the over whelming sense of comfort, I pushed through this rough patch, I almost didn't make it if we are being that genuine, those dark thoughts were all to real & familiar this year. I cannot, I emphasize this, I cannot go back to that place. I will not allow myself.
Those conversations with friends far mattered just as much as the company of friends close. I am an extremely needy person because I don't like being alone, I just mindlessly waste time, picking my brain, basically anything but what I should be doing.
So it irritates the fuck out of me that in 2016 the year of social media becoming ever so popular that you can't peel your eyes from whatever else your ass is staring at to text me the fuck back, or pick up the damn phone? Are y'all serious, I will fight everyone of you, stop playing games & start giving people the time of day when you ain't doing anything but scrolling on Facebook hoping for some drama or self validation through likes & comments, Bye. Next.
No, honestly though, I say it with love. I enjoy every second I spend with my friends & my family. Everyone has lives to live, people can't just drop everything & run too me because I'm lonely. Which is okay, I won't say I learned that, but I am learning, haha-haha-ahh..
I can't be bitter or upset about it, I just deal with it, like an adult. Like it or not that's just the tea, I can't do anything about it but understand because this year, I have so much planned for myself, I don't want to have spare time like I do now.
I want to be so busy genuinely crushing it out there, for nobody but my damn self. That I have no spare time for any petty drama or general mess. I will be grinding, killing it & living a better life for myself in 2017 because I deserve it, I deserve it. I want it for myself & there is nothing in the slightest wrong about wanting that for yourself. You have the power to take this bull by the horns & say this is my rodeo now.
Why don't you?
Because if you don't all of your years will be shitty & wasted.
\ Leave a legacy behind, leave them knowledge. \
Break out of the box you are trapped in, It's not as impossible as it seems once you get going, I promise.
Free Flow will continue to be an on going entry after the New Year! I appreciate the comments & follows. Everyone be safe & responsible out there! ~Gary
YOU ARE READING
Free Flow.
PoetryJust a few paragraphs I wrote out, it's nothing like what I have ever let someone read, let alone post online, but I can promise you, it's real, my emotions, my look back on 2016, most crucial is my body itching for a running start into 2017, this t...
