Ludus (Dance Academy Fanfic)

Tara

Adding the finishing touches to my make up, I stand and look in the mirror. I look powerful, darker and more mysterious than usual, my hair loosely curled and my eyes coloured with smoky grey, illuminating them. Ethan always said I had beautiful eyes, but to me they were cold and unforgiving. Well, they always said that eyes were the window to the soul. I walk out the room, high heels announcing every step I take. I try to ignore the looks people give me, but they've gotten used to the 'new me', so to say. I step into the beautiful night air, trying to ignore the chill of the breeze and focus on the freshness. I feel powerful, looking at all the guys who turn so fast to get a second look, and walking straight past, on my way to meet Ethan. I am not the girl who flies anymore. I walk, my feet firmly planted on the ground, and get where I need to be. If that means using people, well, I don't really care. Hurt people before they hurt you, and then grab the reward and run before you feel the guilt. The guilt starts to creep in, a familiar sinking feeling in my chest, but I straighten my shoulders and focus my head straight forward, reminding myself that I'm not here to feel. I'm here to get ahead. With that thought, I spot Ethan. 
"Tara!" He calls, waving to me.
I walk over to him, never increasing my pace. My face is the mask I've perfected, and I take the feelings away from my heart into my head. This is the most difficult part, to not feel anything when his hands touch me, but it's getting easier with each passing day. It’s easier to pretend with him, with everyone really.
"Hey there, Princess" he says, tugging the front of my dress to lean in for a kiss. I kiss him back, and then when we pull away I smile at the marks I left on his mouth from my lipstick. The red has faded to a slight pink, which matches the blush creeping into his cheeks. I never take with Ethan, just give till he can't hold anymore, then eventually run. It never started out like this, but things and people change. One time I wanted it to work, but he was so imperfect that I wanted to change every part of him, so that he wouldn't hurt me with every careless word.  My mind goes back to the memory.
"Tara" he said once, when we were walking along the beach on our second date ever. "You should stand up straight. It's not attractive when you hunch. Come on sweetie, I want the best for you" 
I'm ashamed to say that his words made me cry, made me feel like less of a person. But as I said, things change and I grew up and now I walk straight, but not for him. Not for anyone but me. The shameful truth is that Ethan Karamakov is head over heels in love with me, the way I used to be, and in reality I could not care less about him. It's amazing how much the tables have turned in a year, isn't it? This makes me feel in control, makes me feel alive knowing how weak he is in relation to me but how independent I am. How much I don't need him. 
"How are you?" He asks. 
"Good, good" I say, tracing my fingers around his collar. 
"Brilliant" he grins. "You're a little late, so we better run just in case we don't miss the movie" 
"Of course" I say, grabbing his hand. "Let's go"

After sitting through some sci-fi movie that went on way too long, Ethan and I walked out of the cinema. 
"That was awesome" he gushed. "The special effects, the fact they kept it completely true to the story..." 
"Mhh" I mumbled, not really paying attention. Well, I was paying attention, but to the chip in my nail and the guy across the room giving me flirty looks. I put my hand on Ethan's arm, watching the hurt look on his face. Good. What is wrong with guys? What makes them think that I should immediately jump into their arms? I don't fall for anyone. 
"Sorry" Ethan said, putting his hands up in apology. "I'm being boring" 
"It's okay" I smiled sweetly. "You enjoyed it. I'm happy when you're happy"
"And that, Tara, is why you are the best girlfriend ever" he leant down and kissed my cheek, and I had to ignore the racing thoughts. No I'm not. I'll chew you up and spit you out my dear, and I won't be sorry. 
"Likewise" I say, biting my tongue. 
"So" he says. "Want to come back to mine?" 
"uh, no sorry. I've got to get back to the academy" 
"Sure, of course. I'll walk you back"
Panic rises in my chest.
"No! Ethan no, I'll be fine. I don't want you to go to all that trouble" 
"It's fine! I don't want you wandering the streets by yourself at night" 
I resist the urge to roll my eyes. 
"I'll be fine, Ethan. I promise. Besides, you'll have to go to the academy and all the way back again. It's too long, and aren't you meant to be finishing your showreel?" 
"Okay. But just for my showreel. Are you sure you'll be fine?" 
"I always am, aren't i?" I say. 
After walking out the cinema and enjoying a goodbye kiss, we part ways. I don't turn back once until he calls my name and gives me a wave, and I turn to wave back, watching his eyes light up in the illumination of the street light next to him. For a moment I feel sorry for him, for how were a travelling train wreck and he can't see it. I don't give this much thought, and I turn down the street taking me to the academy. After a while and until I know I'm out of sight, I take the side streets until I'm met by the park. It's late now, the park closed, but just as I expected a boy is sitting on the steps, hoodie up and headphones in. I walk over to him, put an arm around his shoulders to get his attention, and he immediately takes his ear phones out. 
"Hi" I say, smiling at him. His eyes travel over my face and to my lips until he gives me a greeting. I love this feeling I get with him, the mix of suspense and excitement. Everything was so black and white with Ethan, but with him it is all colours of the spectrum. 
"Hey, Tara" Christian replies, standing up and leaning against the gate. "How was your date with golden boy?" Christian said. 
"Don't call him that" I scowl, but my face softens when I see Christian laughing. 
"Fine." 
He leans towards me and I meet him in the middle, but he pauses, leaving the breath in my throat. 
"What?" I ask.
"Do you ever feel bad for him?" Christian asks, his eyes searching mine. I look down, not wanting to show how much he affects me, how much my heart comes alive when he's around me. 
"Why do you care?" I ask. 
"I don't. Just curious" 
"Well don't be curious. Curiosity killed the cat" 
He laughs, and I lean in again only to be stopped a second time. 
"This means you're a cheater, Tara. A heartbreaker" he says
"That never stopped me before"
This time he leans in to kiss me, and all the tension of the day drifts away and I forget about anything else but me and him. 

After I get back to the academy, just in time for curfew, I strip away my make up and black dress and fall into bed. It's exhausting, pretending to be someone all the time. I know Christian won't be back until later, and it makes me smile how he would risk himself getting into trouble just to avoid suspicion about us. My hands are cold from being outside for so long, and I'm tired from the long night I've had. That's just how it goes, I think. I'm playing a game, a game with people's lives and hearts. I am the card dealer, giving the two boys chances and deciding their fates for them. To play the game I must play the part, and just like dancing, it is lethal. I can handle this, I can deal the cards without deciding my own defeat. I win every time, and I am invincible.