Ludus (Dance Academy Fanfic)

Kat

I didn't know I could feel this way until Tara and Christian betrayed me. I keep on replaying the night of my party in my head. After they had gone, Ethan found me in my room and put his arm around me. 
"Don't worry Kat. You'll be fine" I told him to go and leave me alone because he didn't understand how I was feeling and I know it's bad of me, but I didn't want to hear his voice because I knew he was hurting. There was enough hurt that night. I slipped my dress off and climbed under the covers and wished for sleep. It seemed the easier thing to do. My earrings dug into the side of my cheek and my makeup smeared across the pillow, but I ignored it and the churning of emotions inside me and forced myself into sleep. I didn't cry that night, and I haven't cried since, four days later. 

It's easy enough ignoring Tara and Christian, as I don't have any classes with them. When they are around I throw myself into whatever task I'm doing, which means I often study the plate of food in front of me like it's a work of art. They don't really talks to each other. I think they both feel guilty, but I don't really care what they think. I don't need them in my life. Even so, it's still a little lonely without Tara by my side. It also sucks that I made a batch of cupcakes last night and had no one to share them with. Usually I would give one to her, after a class or something. She would drag me to the side, eating the icing first and telling me all about a disastrous class she had with Ms Raine. I don't want to admit it but I miss her, and I wish that the feeling of attachment I had to her would overpower the feeling of betrayal. Speaking of the devil, here she comes, running down the hallway towards me. 
"Kat" she says. "Kat" her voice draws out the vowel.
"I don't want to talk to you" I don't look at her as I get a book out of my locker. 
"Please" she begs. "I haven't explained yet" 
I just ignore her and walk down the corridor, only to hear her shouting "I'm sorry" behind me. Her apologies weren't working. It makes me so mad how she thinks words could fix this, how she thinks seven letters and four days could fix the hole in my heart that she created. I lost my best friend, but not the night she cheated on my brother with my boyfriend. I lost her ever since she stopped deciding to care about anyone but herself, I lost her when she decided to reinvent herself and run away from whatever was bothering her. If she didn't want to be with Ethan, fine. But she screwed him over too, as if she was out to get my whole family. As if I didn't have enough worries, I have to check up on Ethan to see how he's doing. I sigh and check the time. I have a free period now, and they used to be fun, my favourite part of the day, when Tara and Christian were in my life. Now though, I just drift through the Academy like a ghost, watching other students even though it makes me feel sad. It's like I can't help but see their futures, as if they are oblivious to something so painfully visible. I pass a couple in the hallway, a guy with his arm around the girl's waist. Already I know what's going to become of them. Graduation comes, and although they try, eventually they break up because of the distance. The girl reaches out for support from her academy friends, but they become too busy with auditions and money troubles and aching muscles to go out and help her. And soon enough, they won't even know each other. One day she’ll find a photo of the group of them, smile and remember the good days like they were a long time ago. I wish people at the Academy would just realise that nothing lasts forever, not even the best of friendships. I’ve had to learn that the hard way.

 I step out of the doors into the sunshine, knowing that when I leave this place I'll leave it for good, as if I was never even there. I don't know where I'm going but I don't want to stay at the Academy. I wander into town, looking in shop windows at the people working. Soon enough I get bored, so I see a park and amble through that. It's a bad idea though, because I recognise it from photos that my brother showed me. This is the park he and Tara went to. I allow my mind to go back to the memory, me asking Ethan to borrow his camera. 
"Um, Ethan" I asked him. I pause on a photo.
"Yeah?" 
"Why is Tara in a tree?" 
He laughs, coming next to me to look at the photo. 
"Yeah, tree climbing is fun. You should try it" he flicks to the next photo, one of Tara up close. She looks natural and beautiful, like my old best friend. 
"Wow. Look at Tara" I say.
"Yeah" he says. He looks lost and far away, like someone stuck in a dream. "I really love her" 
Instead of being grossed out like I normally would, I'm happy for him. I smile, knowing that what I say next will resonate with him forever.
"I know you do. She loves you too" 

I come back to the present in a shock. I didn't know what I was talking about. I lean against a tree, letting out a sigh. I was so tired of doing this. Everything I saw reminded me of Tara, making me miss her more than anything and also making me angry. I couldn't hold on to that anger when it came to Christian though, because he was the one I missed the most. I wished I could call him. I don't know what I would say, but it would roughly follow the lines of the whole situation being stupid and how much I was stupidly missing his stupid face. Even away from the Academy, in this random park, I still think of them. This really was boring. It was so ridiculous. It should be Tara who's alone and sad, hopefully cut up with guilt. I should be out with my new friends, forgetting all about them, but instead I'm here, leaning against a tree whilst skiving off my next lesson. Maybe I should take Ethan's advice, about tree climbing, and with that thought I turn around a scale the tree. I throw myself at it, jump up and immediately slide back down again, but I'm holding on with my fingertips. I cautiously climb, getting odd looks from people on their lunch breaks or dog walkers, but finally I'm there, with nothing but a few bruises on my knees. 
"I'm the king of the castle" I sing under my breath. It's peaceful here. I can actually think without getting annoyed or irritated with myself. Christian would love it up here. I could just imagine him now, laughing at something I'd said. He'd tell me that being here was like being underwater. I'd tell him that loving him was like being underwater. It offered a shelter from the world, but I had to bite my tongue and hold my breath, so much until my lungs were or fire and my lips were burning. I feel more resentment at Tara because every moment I spent with him is now ruined by her. I can't get her out of my head, and I know I'm only imagining things but I can see me saying goodbye to Christian. She's waiting in the shadows, I know, and she kisses him and all I can see are his hands on her back and I wish they were on me. I'm sick of wishing to be Tara Webster. I'm sick of being the sidekick in the shadows. It's time to bounce back. With a new found optimism, I quickly lower myself out of the tree back to the academy. I've missed my lunch and I'm starving, but there's just enough time for me to make it back for afternoon classes. For today, at least, I vow that Tara and Christian won't take up any of my headspace, and I plug in my headphones once again and concentrate really hard on anything apart from how my heart was aching and how much I needed sleep and how much I was missing them.

"Where have you been?" 
Ah, the sweet idea of forgetting Tara and Christian popped like a bubble gum bubble. Of course, fate had to decide that the moment I returned to the Academy Christian had to be hovering by the entrance. 
"It doesn't concern you" I say as I try to ignore my heart hammering in my chest. 
"Kat, please. We haven't talked" 
"I wonder why" I say dryly. I avoid looking at him, instead focusing on the hallway. People are rushing about to get to class, and I should be one of them, but instead I'm here with Christian. 
"Please, let's talk" he begs me. 
I finally allow myself to look at him, and he looks sad and dishevelled, like he doesn't really know what to do. My instincts want me to hug him and to tell him that it will be okay, that we can ride this storm out together. There's not much point in wishing for the storm to go away when he and Tara created it, though. Even so, I've been dying to talk to him.

“I have a class...” I hesitate.

“please.” He takes a step towards me.”I’m desperate” 
I don’t want to hear his excuses. I’m still angry, so angry that he thinks that I want to listen to his sob story.

“No!” sensing that my voice is too loud, I lower it.

“Leave me alone.” I hiss. ”I don’t care. Don’t worry if you’re desperate, Tara is too. I’m sure she could help you out. Oh wait, she has been.” I don’t stay to watch his reaction. I storm away, reading to dance the anger out in class.

“Ethan!” I call. The house is quiet, and I drop my school bag in the hallway. My muscles ache, my head is ablaze with thoughts and I need one thing: sugar. Unfortunately, looking in the fridge is disappointing as in our health conscious family sugar doesn’t exist. I wash some strawberries and put them in a bowl, and go looking for Ethan.

“Ethan!” I call again.

“I’m out here, Kat”

I step into the garden, the late sun beaming low in the sky.

I sit on the chair next to him and offer him a strawberry. For a moment we sit together, eating strawberries in the quiet. It’s the most peaceful I’ve felt all day.

“So, how are you?” I ask.

“good. You?”

I laugh. “Oh no, we’re not doing that today. How do you feel?” Ethan closes his laptop and sighs, putting it to the side of him.

“Sad, mainly. It’s meant to get better, right? So why does it seem to be getting worse.” He tells me. I’ve never known my brother to be so open before, but I like it.

“I don’t know” I say. “Maybe it has to get worse before it can get better. It’s only been four days”

“Hopefully it gets better. How do you feel Kitty Kat?”

“Christian tried to talk to me today. Tara too. I think they feel guilty.”

“Right.” Ethan says, his mouth in a grim line. I think he’s still really angry at Christian, and he has a right to be. He messed with his sister and his girlfriend. “so how did that make you feel?” he continues.

“Angry, I guess. And sad too. I still miss them”

“I understand” Ethan says, and the great part is that he does. I’m happy to have someone who will listen to me. I find comfort in not having to feel so alone all the time.

“I’m just tired of it, you know? I wish I could wake up and jut not feel anything towards them and we can be friends again. It’s exhausting, physically exhausting, having to ignore them”

“Kat, listen to me” Ethan says. “You’ll meet new people, okay? And they’re going to be so much better for you. You’ll forget their names before you know it, trust me. In the meantime, it’s just you and me”

“Karamakovs” I say, and I’m rewarded with a smile. As I eat the remaining strawberry, all I can do is wait for the feelings to go away. In the meantime I’ve just got to keep pushing through, on my way to better days. If there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, I better see it quickly. I’m not sure how much longer strawberries will help.