Ludus (Dance Academy Fanfic)

Ethan

I flick through the photos on my phone, waiting for Tara in the park. The sun is low in the sky, a bright ball, and it makes the colours of the world seem brighter. They always seem brighter when I think of her. I pause at a photo I took when we first started dating. She's beautiful. She's beautiful from her pale skin to the soft curve of her lip, and I think of how I can't help but touch her cheek and watch it turn red every time she smiles. The light from the photo hits her in such a way that she glows, as if the sun somehow knows how special she is. How much light she deserves. Sometimes I wonder what Tara Webster has done to my heart; I wonder where she keeps it. I wonder if my love is the reason to why she's changed. I watched her transformation, hermetamorphosis. She walked taller, burnt brighter and took control of herself and the situation. She has matured, but sometimes I miss the wide eyed country girl I fell in love with. She wasn't perfect, but I miss that innocence and natural happiness. The old Tara used to buzz and fill you up with emotions; the new Tara seems to just be... Empty. 

She's been acting suspicious, that's for sure. She is constantly on her phone, distanced from the rest of the world. She's unforgiving, and always seems stressed or tired. She's been cold around me, and it hurts because I want her to be full of warmth and hope the way she used to be. I want to impress her. I want to be a better person for her, someone she can be proud of. The thing is, I don't really trust her, and if honesty and trust are the things a relationship needs, I'm beginning to doubt if we have it. Just as I think this, I see her, wearing boots and shorts just as I asked her to, walking on the grass on her way over to me. I wave to catch her attention, and smile when she waves back. Crap, I really dived too deep.
"Ethan!" She says when she gets to me. "Hi! What's with the boots?" She lifts her leg up to demonstrate and she's so cute I get up and hug her close. 
"Wow, okay" she says, slightly backing away from me, but smiling. 
"Sorry" I say. There's a slightly awkward silence between us, until she asks
"The boots?" 
"Oh yeah! Well, Ms Tara, I thought we could do something a little different today." 
"Which includes?" 
"Tree climbing. Come on" I say and I wait for her to follow me, and as she does she slips her hand in mine and the doubts I have ebb away. 
"Tree climbing?" She asks. 
"Let's go on an adventure, Tara. Let us find the biggest and best trees to climb. I've got a camera for photographic evidence" 
"Tree climbing" she repeats, but then a smile creeps into her voice. "Tree climbing. Didn't think you were much of a nature lover" 
"Well, I know you are. Besides, I thought you could teach me some of your tricks you learnt from living on a farm" 
"We did have a town you know!" Tara protested, hitting me gently with her hand. "I did other things!" 
"I'm sure you did" I smile, and I pause our search to kiss her on her nose. She pulls away slightly, and she grabs me again to pull me after her. 
"Come on, I found one" 

We both stand there, facing the mightiest tree we can find. 
"I'll go first." Tara said, facing me with a grin. "Show you what I'm made of" 
I watch her scale the tree, before hoisting her leg onto one of the branches and pulling herself up. She quick and graceful, and her face has that concentrated look on it. Once she gets as high as she can, she sits in between two branches, a queen on her throne. Her hair is messy, her cheeks red and flushed and I have never seen her looking so beautiful. She looks like the old Tara, happy and confident and willing to do stupid things with me just for the fun of it. I take my camera and take a picture of her, savouring the moment. 
"Come on Ethan!" She shouts, breathless and laughing. "Or are you scared?" 
I sling my camera over my back, and try to copy what she did, but it takes me a lot longer and I slip and graze my leg only half way up. My arms get tired, and it's a miracle that I even made it to Tara. Without her shouts of encouragement and amusement from above me, I knew that I probably wouldn't have made it at all. I carefully wedged myself beside her, and take a minute to catch my breath as I get used to my surroundings. 
"You were great" she says, dissolving into a fit of giggles. 
"Oh really" I say, and I cup her face and we kiss again, in the leafy shade of the tree, away from everyone else in the park. I feel completely disconnected to the world, but completely connected to Tara. It was an alone sort of togetherness. 
"I like it here" she says, her head titled back. "It's calming" 
"I know." I say. 
I pick up our entwined hands and start playing with her fingers, before she laughs and drags them away. 
"This was fun. I never knew you were like this" she tells me, her Hazel eyes staring at me. She's wearing no makeup and she look fresh and young, not intimidating to me anymore. 
"Yeah well, I'm full of hidden surprises"
"I bet you are" she says, and we both laugh softly. 
"I missed you" I say quietly, and the atmosphere turns from peaceful to sad, and I knew we were destined to have a conversation like this, but the fragility of the day and my time with her still scared me. 
"How?" She says, she looks at me and her eyes are piercing. 
"The old Tara. The one who wants to climb trees with me" I tell her. I watch her face fall, from happy to angry in that split second. 
"You know what? I am sick and tired of hearing 'the old Tara'. I'm not old and I'm not new, I just grew up and learnt how to survive. I was hoping a few of you might follow suit, but with no such luck I guess" her voice is harsh and raised and I've never seen her display this much emotion with me around. 
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you upset" I say.
"You didn't, don't worry about it"
"You are obviously affected by what I said though." 
"Oh for god’s sake just leave it Ethan. Don't worry about it"
"But how can I not?" I ask. "I do worry about it Tara because I'm afraid of losing you" 
The words linger in the air, the silence only highlighting the true meaning of what I said. 
"You're so clingy sometimes" she say,  her voice tense and clipped. "I'm tired of it. You need constant reassurance and I feel smothered, Ethan. I'm smothered by it" 
"Well maybe I'm clingy because you're never here! When you are here you look like you're worlds away!" 
"What do you want from me? I can't mould and shape to fit your ideals. I am my own person! I don't know what you want me to change-" 
"I just want you to be honest with me" I interrupt her, even though my voice is quiet. 
She stares at me, her eyes specked with green, and I'm scared of the fragility of our relationship, the snowball that seems to be hurtling down the hill till it reaches an inevitable crash at the end. 
"I'm sorry" she says. "I'm complicated and all over the place. I'm just trying to take control, Ethan. Will you be patient?" She puts her hand on my arm, and I'm trying to ignore the fact that she never acknowledged my remark about honesty. Now is not the time to push it. 
"I'll wait for you forever" I tell her, and I'm being honest. I would. She smiles sadly and stares into the gap in the leaves. I watch the lines of her face blur in the sun, and she goes hazy in front of my eyes, like a mirage. I have a sudden though that startles me. I'm in love with her, but I don't really know her. And in that moment, I don't know if I ever will. 

Later, we're walking hand in hand at the academy, watching the sunset. There are not many people left around, just a few stragglers left or people coming back from late rehearsal. The slow shut down of the academy at the end of the day made me miss it, and for a moment I feel a need to come back here and to spend time with Tara. However I have new and better things to move on to, and although work is a little hard to get I'm working on it, taking snapshots and moments around me for inspiration, especially Tara. 
"Hey, Lovebirds" there's a voice behind us, and I turn to see my sister smirking at us. 
"Hey, Kat" Tara calls back, her voice soft. It's been a little tense between us since the conversation we had in the tree, but it faded along with the day. 
"You guys are cute" she remarks. "If I had to choose anyone to have my brother, it would definitely be you, Tara" 
Tara just smiles and says nothing. 
"I'm lucky to have her" I say, and it's true, because she's amazing and wonderful and I don't know what to do without her. 
"Please guys, spare me the slush" Tara says and we all laugh. 
"So how was your date?" Kat asked. 
"Good. We climbed a tree" I say. 
"A tree? Wow Ethan, you really know how to whoo the ladies"
"What about your mystery guy?" Tara jumps in. "Is he any good at wowing you?" 
"Tara!" Kat whisper-screams, giving a pointed look in my direction. 
"What mystery guy?" I ask. Kat never mentioned a new boyfriend to me.
"Sorry." Tara said, not really sounding very apologetic. "He had to know sometime" 
"What mystery guy?" I repeat. 
Since Kat was refusing to answer, Tara turned to me to fill me in on the details. 
"Kat met a guy but he doesn't want to meet any of us-"
"Yet!" Kat interrupts. "Doesn't want to meet you all yet" 
"Seems a bit suspicious to me" I say. "Is he messing you about, Kat?" 
"Ethan, no. He's fine. We're fine, just taking things slow" 
"Hm. I still want to meet him" 
"And you will. Could you please stop playing the macho man? I can take care of myself" Kat demands. 
"Okay, okay. I never said you couldn't." 
"Whatever. I'll leave you guys to it" she walks away, blonde hair flying in the wind. She looks over her shoulder at me and Tara, calling "see you later" before disappearing from view. 
"I don't like the sound of this new guy" I say. 
"Me neither" Tara replies, but she looks distracted, staring in the direction of the Academy. 
"Ethan, I'm going dance. I just need to" 
"Now?" I ask, surprised. "Isn't the academy closing?" 
"I won't be long" she tells me. "I feel weird if I haven't danced in a while" 
"I understand. You don't need to worry about your training though. You're a perfect dancer" 
She smiles but it doesn't quite meet her eyes. 
"I'll text you later" she tells me, and with a quick kiss to my cheek she is gone, and her absence is filled with a horrible prickling feeling, a feeling of doubt and suspicion and worse of all, jealousy.