Ludus (Dance Academy Fanfic)

Christian

What is it about Tara Webster? I find myself thinking. After all this time, after all these wasted days, she's on my mind. I know she's playing me, for I am no better than Ethan, but she can't keep away. I am her danger, the secret that keeps her awake at night. I am the risk, I am the wild and Ethan is the city, and she can't decide which to live in. It’s a little dangerous, allowing her to cheat on Ethan with me. But then I can’t say that I’m any better. I try to convince myself that the fact she can’t decide between me and Ethan doesn’t bother me, as long as I keep this in mind, she cannot hurt me. At least that's what I'm hoping, as the lines between real and fake has blurred a little recently, the attraction between us lasting more than secret meetings where no one can see. Still, there's something about her that keeps me captivated. She walks with confidence, her eyes locked straight ahead. Her whole look had changed, the colours of her clothes are darker, her lipstick is darker, and her eyes are darker. It's incredibly addicting, watching her. You can't seem to tear your eyes away, for she is a walking contradiction. She's dark, but radiates light. She will destroy me but also happens to be my saviour. The night is dark, and as I think of her I can't help but adopt characteristics of her. I feel like I melt into the night, a dark horse, stealthy and powerful. Power. That's what we all want, in the end. I get to our place and she's already there, huddled on the steps in her jacket. She spots me and immediately stands a little straighter, her eyes fixed on me. She cocks her head to the side, as if she's studying me. I don't let this phase me, and keep my face blank, leaning against the wall. She is the first one to speak. 
"That jacket" she says. She whistles and raises her eyebrows, as if to show appreciation. 
"Thanks" I say. "I wear it to impress" 
She gets up and walks over to me, each step slow. Her heels announce every step she takes, breaking the silence of the night. She prowls, like a lioness circling her prey, but I am no gazelle. 
"You look good in leather" she says, fingering the collar of my jacket. 
"Not as good as you" I counter. 
Her eyes flick up and meet mine, and I can tell she loves every second of this. I am exciting to her. She is exciting to me, and I cannot resist the same as she cannot resist me. She leans up to kiss me then, and once again my heart rate quickens and I'm not sure if it's to do with how much I'm betraying my friendship with Ethan or if it's to do with Tara herself. 
She pulls away, and my hands circle her waist and I turn her gently so she's leaning against the wall, my hand placed above her head. 
"So, we meet again Tara Webster" 
"Indeed." She smiles, and her eyes flitter down to my lips, but I'm not satisfied with just kissing her. Well, I am, and I could willingly do it all day. But I want to crack the code that is Tara Webster, and I want to find the secrets she's hidden so deeply inside her. 
"How was your day?" I ask.
"Christian, you and I both know that we didn't come here to exchange pleasantries" she raises her eyebrow, as if she's not impressed with my mediocre attempt at conversation. 
"Fine." 
She smiles and leans in to kiss me again, but just as her mouth is inches from mine I whisper
"Are you mine?" 
She freezes for a moment, and I can feel the breath escape from her lips. 
"What?" She asks. She moves her head and kisses my cheek, before pulling away and studying me. 
"Christian. We both know the answer to that" 
"Do we?" I challenge, and I see something drop from behind her eyes. I am conquering her, I know I am. 
"Why are you asking me this?" Her voice is flat and quiet in the night air, and her pale skin is illuminated in the orange street light. She looks beautiful, and for a moment I want to apologise for questioning her movements and making her feel, and just kiss her until our lips are numb, but if I'm feeling guilty I know that she must be too. And I want to know the reason behind the sudden change in Tara Webster, just as much as I hope I am not the cause of it. 
"I can't do this. I can't answer that" she tells me. 
"Why not?" 
"Because you know why, Christian" her eyes are blazing and the air around us fills with tension. 
"Why are you doing this?" She asks. 
"Because you know why, Tara" I retort, and she throws her head back in exasperation. 
"Don't. Just don't." Her jaw is tight, and she won't look at me. I wish that I hadn't asked that stupid question, but I've had enough of her ruining herself. 
"Why are you being like this?" She asks again, her voice flat and rehearsed. "Don't ruin it by getting feelings involved, because they pretty much destroy everything. Save yourself, Christian. Don't be like how I used to be" 
"But I liked the old you!" I argue. "She was sweet and naive and irritating yes,-" 
"She was reliant and weak and cared too much. And she's gone and here I am, and if you don't like it, leave" she interrupts. 
Her eyes finally meet mine and they're clear and dead, and she smiles wanly and leans up to kiss the side of my mouth. I miss her already, and she's not even gone. 
"Goodbye, Christian" she says, her body disappearing into the night. 
"Till next time" 

As I watch her leave, I pull out my phone. I find her name, smiling at her cute picture and send her a message. 
"Missing you" I say. 
Her reply is immediate, and I try to shake off the feeling of guilt as I imagine her waiting by her phone, checking constantly and being unable to pluck up the courage to call me.
"Me too. Where are you?" 
"Out to visit a friend and then waking around and thinking about you" 
"Okay. Could I maybe join you on your walks one day?"
"Maybe. I'll see you when I get back to the Academy. Can't wait" 
"Me neither. See you there, I love you" 
It takes me a while to compose myself before I type out the message 
"I love you too" 
And that's when I realise that I have fallen in too deep. I'm sure that Tara Webster cannot play love like a game. I don't know what happened to her but I don't like the route she's going down, and sometimes I feel like she's tugging me down with her. We only have ourselves to blame, of course, but sometimes I can't help but wonder what it would be like to hold her hand in public, to laugh with her in class again the way we used to. The journey back to the academy was filled with thoughts of love and life and desperation, and as I slide through the door I can't help but think that we're all on a sinking ship, a ready explosion, and I can't shake off the feeling that something really bad will happen.