Runaway Cleo

Ch 3: What do I do Now?

I open my eyes the next morning to crazy birds singing and a huge head ache. I walk down the hall to see my mom cooking breakfast so I sit at the breakfast bar patiently waiting for my meal.

My mom's room is upstairs so I thankfully don't have to worry too much about her hearing what happened. I worry anyway.

She sets my pancakes in front of me and does a soft smile, "Good morning, sleepy head. I was beginning to wonder if you were even gonna wake up today." I just nod my head and stare at my plate.

Soon enough I start to eat it because i'm starving. I go to my bathroom and brush my teeth while contemplating all of went on last night, after i finisher stuffing my face. Cleo was in my bedroom and she wanted to be.

The same Cleo who ran away 2 1/2, almost 3 years ago. The Cleo who now claims to love me. The Cleo who is dying. Cleo...

None of it seems real to me. It sort of feels like an old dream that seems to be repeating in my head. Just a little something else my brain made up to prove my insanity. The thoughts crowd my head so I just lay in my bed with a little black journal.

This one I have been working on for about 2 months now and it seems to be filling up pretty quickly. The words have been flying out of my mouth recently and I can never seem to waste a minute before filling it out on paper.

I begin to think about my words and actions and then I realize what i need to write. It always floods over me with emotion, as if I was a rock on a empty beach and the waves just keep knocking into me.

I write until my hand hurts and then I read back over a portion that I don't remember copying down:

I'm crying and I don't know why.

The tears are coming and the stress is releasing.

The mind is still and the eyes are doing what they will.

The twinkles in the stars glare and somehow I can feel people stare.

In the middle of a street, flowing with traffic we will soon defeat.

But somehow I can still see that the only part of me I need is gone.

So gone that I'm stuck in a lane going nowhere.

So gone that I can't even swear.

So gone that I'm shedding all tears.

So gone that I'm crying and I don't know why.

I pull my hand up to my face, and I am. I am crying. All of last night I did not shed a tear for myself. My entire life has been like a book that will never get a happily ever after and now I know for sure how true that really is.

Cleo is dying. She is the one girl that I have wanted to give my heart to. The one girl who I have imagined eternity with. She is the person that loves me back. None of that seems to matter anymore though. She is a mere thought inside my brain but she is the one thought that won't go away.People are like flames in my life; they come and go as they please. But not Cleo. She was the fire that was never put out. The firework that refused to explode.

I have held onto her for so long that I almost wanted to let her go and now she is back, now she is dying.

Could I have saved her? No. Can I help her? No. Can I be here for her in this time of need? Yes. Will I be? Oh, hell yes.

I stop crying. And I clean up my act.

I walk over to my drawing of the woman who promises to be my guardian angel and i realize something from deep down inside me. She is going to be my future. My paradise.

Maybe it won't be for very long. But that's love for you.

My one question for Cleo after all these years was about her taking the leap but never fearing the fall.

I guess it's my turn to find out how that is. I go to my bathroom, which is connected to my bedroom. It almost always smells of lemons but today it smells like perfume. Her perfume, I guess, i was too busy last night to really notice how she smelt, or how she looked. All I really could remember was her eyes.

Her deep brownish, golden eyes, that go perfectly with her caramel skin and burnt auburn curls. The eyes that showed so much emotion and care and love. The eyes that rained tears for hours on end. They were like sun spots i decide. Sun spots are strong and beautiful and heartbreaking, just like Cleo.

Cleo would want me to do this I finally decide after contemplating for 30 minutes by myself in the bathroom mirror. so I grab my bottle of pills and pour them all in my hands. I have used these to calm me over the past 5 years of my life and today they will do that for the last time. I put my hand to my mouth and blow on them, silently wishing all of the bad things away.

I turn the faucet on with my other hand and slip the pills under the running water. They dissolve rather quickly and something, I am not sure what, covers me.

Maybe it's relief.
Maybe it's regret.

I then reach under the counter and find what i am looking for, my blades taped to the lip of the counter top. I look at them in my hand and very carefully rub the edges. One of the blades knicks my thumb and a slight trickle of blood starts to run down my wrist. I put a bandaid on then take the blades and decide what to do with them.

I head into my garage and grab a metal box, it has some tools in it that have not been used in years so I take those out and place them where the box lays. Back in my room I lay the box out on my desk and tape the blades to the center of the lid.

I walk to my bookshelf and grab all of my journals including the one I was writing in today. I begin to tear up. I am crying and I don't know why. I place them in the box spine down and they all fit perfectly. There is a small space left and I watch over the size trying to determine what can fill it.

I look over to my bed and notice the empty pill bottle. I grab a piece of paper and begin to write a small goodbye.

I even begin to read it out loud, "Goodbye anxiety. I don't need you anymore. You blew me down every time I made a step towards the top. You told me I was nothing and that I had no point, I am done being bullied by you. i am done with you." I place it at the top of the box and carefully close it.

I am strong, I keep telling myself. I am strong.

So I grab the box and head outside. There's a shovel in the shed behind my house so I take a quick detour and grab that too.

Now I put the box in my car and go to the river, which is really just a small sewer that's not in use anymore.

I dig a hole which is about 4 feet deep and 2 feet wide. And the box goes in beautifully.

Tears are crowding my face and my eyes are burning from the dirt and sweat inside them.I cover the box and fall on my knees from exhaustion. Emotionally and physically.

I write in the still soft dirt, " be still my heart, my mind, and my soul."

And I either fall asleep or pass out, but all I know is I don't wake up until it's completely dark and the only thing in my sight are the stars and trees around me.