Runaway Cleo

Ch 10: We are What Again?

I couldn't sleep at all last night. Every time I would hear something I would hope it was Cleo coming up the stairs to see me but was always disappointed. It's now about 6:30am so I decide to head downstairs and make us breakfast.

Cleo loves pancakes so I figured that it'd be great to make her some with a fruit salad and then to give her a little breakfast in bed. I feel so guilty for how things went down yesterday, I wish things would gone differently. It's just that sometimes Cleo has me in such a frenzy that I can't think straight.

I make the pancakes first, using my Nana's recipe, and then I make the fruit salad with strawberries, apples, grapes, and a hint of sugar and orange juice. I finish within 30 minutes and decide to take it to her along with some coffee.

I knock on her door lightly, "Cleo... Babe?"
"Hmm." I love the sound of her morning voice, it's so cute.
"Cleo, wake up for me please."
"5 more minutes dad." I giggle at that, remembering other ways that that term could be used for.
"Cleoooo." She lifts her head to look at me and then looks back down, right at her scars. I gently smile at her when our eyes meet again and just hope that she knows I'm sorry.

She sits up a little in bed and I place the tray on her lap.
"I love you," I say kissing her forehead before also grabbing her wrists to kiss them to, "and I'm sorry."
She gives me a reassuring smile before I decide to leave the room.

••••

I went back up to my moms room after giving Cleo her breakfast and I try to fall back asleep. I play my Spotify "feels" playlist and hear the song "little lion man" come on and I begin to sadden. I lay down in the bed as the lyrics play out.

"Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep little lion man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself,
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head
But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?
Didn't I, my dear?"

Without realising it I sang along to the lyrics, very loudly. So loudly I didn't hear Cleo come up the stairs. Now I look up and she's standing there, "You really did, my dear."

I smile at her reference and pause the song. "Hi."
"Hey."
"I'm sorry."
"You've said that already." I look at her and realise she doesn't need apologies, she needs answers.

"I ran into an ex yesterday and she tried to reconnect with me." I see Cleo's eyes begin to glisten, which I have noticed only happens when she's about to cry. I pull her onto my chest as a way of comforting her. "I told her that I couldn't because I was in a relationship and also because she broke my heart. But Cleo how can I say that we have a relationship when we have nothing established?"

She has bug eyes and I see how much she's taking in right now. " Well, Chris. It's your call. What do you want us to be?"

I stare at Cleo dumbfounded. It's my choice? What do I want to be with Cleo?

"That's what I thought." She says blocking away tears. She begins to get up and I grab her and pull her back into me.

"Do not run away from me Cleo. I'm tired of you running away." And that's when I began to break down again.

••••

"You'll never understand what I'm feeling. In under 3 weeks you expect me to turn my life around. Cleo, you have only 5 months left, don't fight with me anymore. Go." I cried for 30 minutes before I was finally able to talk to her.

"Do not tell me to stop running away and then try to tell me to leave. If you want me to stay I'll be with you to the end. Just say it." I look into her eyes and I know she's not lying. If I would just tell her that she's all I need then she'd be here and she'd stay here. She just wouldn't be happy here. She wants to go do things and not just be with me. But she loves me enough to give up all of it.

I know this is love.

"I want to be with you. But you don't want to be here." She stares at me and I laugh.

A confused expression crosses her face and I realise that she doesn't see how funny this is, "Cleo, why don't we go on an adventure together?"

"Meet me at the river tomorrow at 5 o'clock." I smile and wink at her.

"Okay, but make it 4 so we can get back in time for supper." She giggles at how domestic we've become.

"It's a date." She gets up and begins to walk out of the room. "Hey, Cleo?"

"Yeah?"
"I want you to be mine."
"I thought I already was." And that's the moment I realised that all the doubt I was feeling was never reciprocated. Why does it always have to be me who tries to ruin everyone's happiness, including my own?