Book One: Love Is Legal [CURRENTLY BEING REWRITTEN]

Chapter 4- Hope [EDITTED]

Chapter 4

I SIT ON MY BED AND LISTEN TO THE ENDLESS CRICKET CHIRPING LATE SUNDAY NIGHT. The white noise reminded me of the soundscapes I fell asleep to as a child. I could not sleep in silence; I still can’t. With sound, I have something to focus on until I drift off into unconsciousness. However, without sound, my thoughts wander. . .

Yesterday is repetitively replaying in my mind. My skin tingled at the thought of being that close to him again. Through everything that happened, I still didn’t have the chance to ask him why he was truthfully in my room on Thursday. I haven’t told Lily or Amanda about what happened yet either, and I’m not exactly sure whether they would ever know.

I find it outright dramatic at how one person can one-eighty your mood: depression to happiness, happiness to anger, anger to heartbreak- all dependent on one person. It has officially been three days since Jacob and I had our first intellectual conversation. What did he do to make me feel rapidly so happy? The only answer I could come up with is: nothing. He did nothing to make me happy. Just being in his presence makes me feel a bizarre sense of belonging. I don’t have to pretend around him.

I concentrate on the crickets and fall into a deep sleep.

*          *          *

In my dream, the setting is utterly familiar. In fact, it is the same setting of the dream I had just a few days back- our school Multipurpose Room. Everything was identical to the way it appeared last time. The ceilings were high, the walls were blue, and the lunch tables were all filled with people. Something feels off though. . . Something was definitely wrong.

My vision falls onto Jacob; he is sitting across the cafeteria with my friends. Is that what was different- our seating? My eyesight then directs itself to the people surrounding me. On either side of me are two cheerleaders I don’t recognize by name but do remember seeing their faces around school. Chris Cobley was at the end of the table, picking at an orange peel. Oh. . . I understand. Our roles are reversed. I was him, and he is me.

Shouldn’t I enjoy it? Shouldn’t I enjoy having radical power in school, or in derogatory terms, being ‘popular’? No. I have to fix it. This isn’t where I belong.

I stand and make my way over to Jake’s table, every eye on me as I walk.

“Why are you sitting here? Aren’t you supposed to be over there?” I ask him.

"Are you really talking to me?" he replies, a hint of amazement and nervousness in his voice. It is the same way I sound when he talks to me.

*          *          *

My body jerks up to a sitting position in my bed, and I gasp for air. Oh my God. Two questions are flying around my mind. First, where did that dream come from? Second, why was I so disturbed by it? My mind was portraying me as someone that I will never be- someone that I don't particularly want to be either. Seeing Jacob’s ego so weak and fragile like mine was unbearable. Was it because of our reversed personas, or was it because it’s just that pathetic to act so demeaned to someone? Is that how he feels when he looks at me?

Despite the horrible start to my morning, the birds are lively chirping outside of my window. Spring had always been a phase of the year that I would look forward to. I find it mesmerizing how everything suddenly springs back to life from the dead winter.

As I get to school that morning, I instantaneously notice something is weirdly different. People’s stares are all directed towards me, similar to the way they were in my dream last night.  I see Jake standing under the large cherry blossom tree with the rest of his football teammates. He grins as he spots me and signals me to come over to him. 

"Hey, Eric.” Jake announces as I reach him. The tree was a pink cotton candy cloud above our heads.

“Morning, Jake. . . And friends.” I add, gesturing towards the rest of the team.

“Any friend of Jake is a friend of ours.” Brandon Keegan, a wide-receiver on the football teams says to me. He’s a bit shorter than Jake, with black hair and chocolate brown eyes.

“You can teach them a few things about being less obnoxious.” Jake snorts.

“Hey! We are not obnoxious. It’s the steroids. . .” Brandon snickers sarcastically.

“See? I said it once, and I’ll say it again- obnoxious.”

“They seem tolerable.” I say shyly, my hands loops behind me

“Tolerable? You mean completely intolerable.”

We all laugh, and a reassuring feeling of belonging washes over me.

*          *          *

The rest of my day was reasonably okay for once. Alright, maybe it was a little more than just ‘okay’. At lunch, I got to sit at their table directly next to Jake. While I was sitting casually and laughing, he patted my hand under the table and looked up at me with a bashful smile. I’m not sure what to make out of everything that has been happening between us. I knew one thing for sure though- disregard the impossible.

I lay in bed now, waiting for an answer to these past two weeks. I desperately want to ask Jake how he feels about me, but I can’t rule out the possibility he may just want to be friends. The last thing I want to do is scare him away.

A thought occurs to me as I study the transparent, white ruffles in my curtains. Is it possible that Jake has been in my room more than once? He seemed to know where he was going the first time I found him in here. Coincidentally, he knocks on my door, and I don’t have to see him to know that he is the one behind the dark oak wood door. I’m not sure why this doesn’t surprise me.

“Hey. I enjoyed your company today.” he says as he quietly shuts the door behind him.

“No problem, Jake. I enjoyed yours as well. Your friends are shockingly nice.”

He hesitates for a moment and then responds, "They’re not all that great. They do talk about you- or did. I wouldn't lie. I think you might have shown them that you're a really cool person today and made them a little guilty.” His lips curl into a wide smirk. His smile still- always- makes me melt and have so many feelings inside- feelings I've never felt before.

“I know that, but everyone gets to redeem themselves at some time, right?”

“I guess. . . Anyways, I have to go downstairs. My dad thinks I’m going to the bathroom. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I chuckle. "Definitely. See you later." I could feel my face pull upwards as I beam with joy. No one has ever made me this happy. He slips out of the door after giving me a two second long look- a look I couldn’t quite decipher. For once, I feel hopeful. I feel hopeful I might do the impossible and have his mutual feeling.

I am deeply infatuated by Jacob, and the truth is, all I could do right now is hope he feels the same. The truth hurts.