Accidentally Tasha

Chapter 26

Quote

The memory of happiness is as heartbreaking as its absence

(The Last Song Of Dusk- Siddarth Dhanvant Shangvi) I recommend that you read this book if you haven't. It is like nothing- literally  nothing, and I am an avid reader- I've  ever read.

"Where are you going to start looking for her?" Andy asks.

"No idea," I answer "But at least I know that she's somewhere in Memphis."

He doesn't get my humor. He looks concerned. I smile, remembering that night Jake came home in a bloody mess after fighting Ashton. It seems like ages ago.

"Hey, don't worry;" I say "good will prevail this time."

Even I don't believe myself. I take a quick shower and wear the T shirt Andy has loaned me. It's his smallest shirt, but I still look like a scarecrow in it. I've lost a lot of weight this past month. I hug Andy goodbye since he isn't going to work today. I've decided to go to my former home. It won't help me find Kate, but it'll help me think.

I am reduced to tears when I reach our block of apartments. It has a huge 'X' marked on it, meaning it has been marked for demolition. The government had been threatening to do this for many years. The building is still in good condition, but it is too shabby to be in this part of town.

I head over to our apartment. My footsteps echo in the hallway. I open the door and find a figure seated on the floor, downing a bottle of whisky.

"Ashton?'I ask, shocked.

He stiffens at the sound of my voice and doesn't even bother to look at me.

"Round of applause, everyone," he laughs bitterly "the queen of deceit has arrived!"

He raises his bottle around the empty room as though there is an audience. I can tell that he's drunk. His back is slouched against the wall. His eyes look around him in drunkenness. I want to cry, knowing that I brought this pain on him, but I don't. Instead I watch him take another gulp of his whisky. He then starts humming. His voice is a little slurred but I still recognize the song. He is singing Brad Paisley's Whisky lullaby. At some point he starts singing the words out loud.

...We watched him drink his pain away

A little at a time

But he never could get drunk enough

To get her of his mind...

He breaks off the song and says softly,

"She used to call me Cal, y'know. Like my grandpa did. I should have known it wasn't her..."

That explains the writings I noticed on Tasha's notebook when I first got to her bedroom.

"I should have known..." he sobs.

I put my arms around him in comfort.

"Don't touch me!" he shouts.

I flinch at the venom in his voice and keep my hands behind my back. I want to cry, really I do, but I can't.

"The laugh was all wrong. The kisses were too light." It seems as though he's speaking to himself now "I should have known..."

"Ashton, please forgive me," I say.

"Forgive..." he laughs bitterly. "Teach me how to forgive myself and then we'll talk."

He keeps quiet for a moment as silent tears escape his eyes.

"I was fucking her killer. Who does that? How can she forgive me?" he asks.

"Ashton..." I say.

"Don't say my name, you liar."

His words are scissors to the walls of my paper thin heart. I can see the hate, the disdain he has for me glowing in his eyes. I can hear the hurt in his voice. Knowing that I did this to myself, I only support myself on the wall and watch quietly as he shatters my heart into pieces.

"Funny thing is, deep down inside I knew that you weren't her. But I still allowed myself to fall in love with you," he says.

He looks around him. He looks at the house I grew up in. The house I'd always wanted to show him. He then looks at me for the first time today. I can't help but remember the feeling of his hands on mine. I can't help but remember the fire in his eyes as he kissed me. What we'd had was too good to be true, too perfect to last.

"When your dad gave Jake this address I was there." He says "I didn't even plan on coming. I just wanted to know who you are, to understand you."

"And did you get your answers?" I ask softly.

He gives me a look that could mean anything.

After an eternity of silence, he stands up and walks towards me. He touches my shoulder and looks at me in the eye. I stiffen at his touch. His eyes hold so much pain. I long for the arrogance, the playfulness, the quiet poet I saw in his eyes when I first met him. All that has been replaced by maturity that only pain can bring. He places a kiss on my lips. The kiss reminds me of the one he gave me when we first met. However, this time his lips are full of emotion. This is his goodbye.

With that realization the first tear drops.

I watch him walk away from me. From us.

"Ashton, don't go! I love you!" I plead.

He stops right where he is. He doesn't look back at me. He faces forward, forward to his future without me.

"But you're not my Tasha," he says softly.

And I watch him flee from my deceit.

He leaves me drowning in my tears. All energy is drained from me. I drop to the ground on all fours and weep for my lost love.

Funny, this is where I had my first kiss.