Amy's Big Book of Bitching

December 31, 2016

OH MY GOD TODAY'S THE LAST DAY OF 2016 I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DOOOOOOO.

idk I was pretty unproductive today.

it was a relatively okay day I guess.

my friend called me in the morning to talk about this fucked-up drama shit that's going on in my friend group.

and talking to her generally just makes me want to kill myself, because basically all she does is tell me that I gotta get my shit together and I'm a bitch.

like she literally told me that I "give off a bitchy vibe".

and yeah, it's probably true BUT IT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU NEED TO TELL ME??? BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW??? AND YOU KNOW I ALREADY KNOW??? BECAUSE I CONSTANTLY TALK ABOUT HOW I'M A PRETTY BIG BITCH SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT FOR ME???

idk I just feel like...

so when I talk to people I always try to take in consideration what they're going through and stuff and kinda...take pity on them a bit? not really...it's more like I'm a bit more lenient about their actions because I CAN SEE WHERE THEY'RE COMING FROM.

BUT WITH THIS FRIEND.

NOPE.

she has a shitload of her own baggage and so when she says things that are hurtful or does something not exactly nice I don't really say anything about it cuz I already know she's dealing with her own thing right?

a while back my group of friends decide to call me over in one of their conversations trying to sort out our drama.

she just straight up says, "You're the problem."

and she goes on but at that point I'm not really listening...

I stand up and I walk away.

and yes, I know that I shouldn't have done that. I regret doing that. 

but today when she calls me, she tells me I make everything worse.

okay then.

alright. 

that's fine.

you don't make me want to commit suicide at all.

idk she just stresses me out and honestly I really don't know if I want to keep her as a friend or not because I KNOW SHE'S JUST TRYING TO HELP BUT SHE REALLY ISN'T HELPING ME AT LEAST.

AT ALL.

also I'm making bad decisions about my choice of friends.

because now all my friends have to be screened by her now, apparently.

and the thing is, the friend she gave me as an example of a horrible friend choice? I feel a million times more comfortable around that friend than I do with her. she's the only friend that jokes with me about killing myself. literally this is how my convos usually go with other people:

Me: I want to kill myself

Them: NOOOO DON'T KILL YOURSELFFFF YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO  LIVE FORRRRR

and with the "horrible" friend:

Me: I want to kill myself

Them: yeah same here lemme draw you as a sleep-deprived human with sparkles shouting "SUICIDE".

I know that she's hurt some of my close friends in the pasts. and I know I really shouldn't forgive her for that. but in GITA, with her and all my other crazy GITA friends, I feel more comfortable than I do with the group of people that are supposed to be my closest friends.

except REE.

REE IS THE BEST THING ON THIS ENTIRE GODDAMN PLANET LOVE HER YOU WON'T REGRET IT.

  (oh ye GITA stands for Global Information Technology Academy and it's pretty much just computer programming and it's really cool and fun and the teacher's really chill)  

moving on...

my brother took me to eat BBQ today (again) and it was the highlight of my day.

my brother's pretty great.

ummmm what else happened today....?

oh yeah okay so

for the last few days I've just been ignoring everyone cuz I NEED MAH BREATHING SPACE and the quiet is really peaceful and it prevents me from wanting to kill myself but since A CERTAIN FRIEND decided to call me in the morning and make me feel like shit I didn't really feel like dealing with humanity and I continued to ignore everyone.

and then Eric goes and makes a damn instagram post and fucking dedicates it to me or some shit and I feel really bad

so sorry about that.

honestly tho I was so ready to make a fucking group chat and title it "EVERYBODY WHO HAS MADE ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF AT ONE POINT OR ANOTHER".

*sigh*

life is difficult.

to summarize:

eric, I'm sorry for ignoring you all day.

I really like bbq.

and one of my friends makes me want to die.

also Ree is fucking amazing.