Amy's Big Book of Bitching

January 21, 2017

sometimes i'm in a constant state of not okay

but that's okay

so today I went to NAMM and tried a whole ton of instruments (mostly flutes) but some of the pianos I played were SO NICE that I just can't

they're just

so beautiful

and I also tried this wee bitty 'lil piccolo and now I want to buy a piccolo instead of a new flute cuz IT'S SO CUTE AND TINY AND WHEN I PLAY IT IT SHRIEKS LIKE I DO WHEN I'M FANGIRLING TOO HARD

sometimes i feel like my closest friends have like...forgotten I was there? but then other times  it feels a lot like they're just ignoring me cuz i'm annoying and rude and loud and crazy and hyper and sometimes moody and bitchy but i really don't try to be

i promise

there's just

so much stress

honestly i wrote a one word entry yesterday and i know that it was because i was sad and stressed about something but i can't even remember what  it was anymore

oh yeah and i might end up transferring schools

but like

i'm really not even sad about that

i don't have much to lose anymore

i spent three week last year listening to my mom call me a failure for choosing my school over a really good school that i got into because i wanted to stay with my friends and join the band

to be truthful...

if i'd switch schools, i'd be more sad about losing band than my friends

and it's not like i'm irreplaceable

i'm actually

pretty replaceable rn

and it's pretty painfully obvious to me

so yeah

idk

basically to sum today up

NAMM was fun

-and- 

life is not okay

but that's okay

bai bai

see you tomorrow

maybe