Keeping A Straight Face | ✔

03 | Lenity

D A R K O' S P. O. V.

Thursday, January 31st, 2014

I'm in love with Taylor James Ferguson - but I can't be with him for so many reasons.

I've always loved that nerd, right from when we were toddlers. Although, back then it wasn't romantic love - not that at all. In retrospect, it was just 'platonic love' - we just played in the sand-pits together, and we cheated off of each other's homework, and we always picked each other during sports. We were tight.

Right when high school started, when everyone started to overload in gross-teenage-pubescent hormones, was when I knew I really loved the idiot. I couldn't get him out of my brain - during class, I just couldn't stop thinking about him! His adorable smile, his cute black glasses that suited his face so well, not to mention his freaking amazing piano skills. Eventually, the only thing I could think about was him.

I can't be with him - which is slowly, internally, killing me.

He's never really talked about his sexuality, so I've never 100% confirmed it for myself if he was secretly into guys. I've always assumed he was straight, otherwise, he probably would have told me by now. Best friends should share all of their secrets... right?

I could never be with him anyway, on the off chance that he did like guys. My family would never approve of it. As they say, its 'a man and a woman must marry' or 'homosexuality is a sin, and gays must be cleansed.' They would never accept either of us or me in specific. They'd disown me if I ever came out to them. I'd be the family 'mistake.'

Not to mention, being in a relationship with him would ruin my reputation at school. I'm currently known as the 'popular-player-that-makes-girls-weak,' and if I were ever to date Taylor, all of that would get thrown off balance. I wouldn't be popular anymore, and I would probably confuse a lot of girls. Yeah, I hooked up with them and dated a few, but I did that to cover up my burning feelings for Taylor. I never dated any of them for too long, I just casually hooked up with them during parties, and if they got clingy, I just left them.

This boy is driving me nuts.

I can't risk telling him how I feel; there is just too much at stake. If he returns my feelings, my family will disown me. If they aren't returned, then I would not only embarrass myself, but my friendship with Tay would be completely broken, my social life would probably crumble, and my parents would eventually find out and disown me.

Either way, I lose. Either way, I get disowned.

It's midnight, and the house is silent. Taylor came over a while ago and slept a lot earlier than usual. He didn't tell me about the emergency that went down at his place. He was too quiet during dinner, and he barely spoke to me afterward. Well, he wasn't completely quiet - he responded when I talked to him - he just wasn't all... there.

He wasn't acting like his usual self. Something serious must have happened.

I'm sitting in the living room, absentmindedly scrolling through Netflix while devouring a block of hazelnut chocolate. I deserve to scoff down on this, being sick has drained me of my energy. I clicked "American Horror Story" and continued to nibble on my brown delicacy.

It has been a long day. I hate being sick. It sucks balls. Stupid Bella had to come to stupid school a few days ago and 'accidently' cough near me. I'm surprised she didn't give me Ebola or something.