My Beautiful One

29. Love trumps hate

I woke to the sight of golden sunlight on icy white hair. Not the most normal thing to see in your room in the Institute, of course, but I was so comfortable and warm, the feeling seemed to blot out any suspicions I had.

But the poor logic of the recently-woken faded quickly, and I sighed as the events of the previous night came back to me. I remember waking up in the middle of the night to see that Sebastian had somehow been taken over by his demon side, and my fear that this would kill him had made me abandon all my logic and rules concerning him. I'd forgiven Sebastian the moment I saw him, said I missed him, kissed him, gotten him back to his human state again, and then fallen asleep in his arms.

You are so stupid, Amari. I thought to myself. And you're still being stupid. Get up now, before you start pitying him. He could have killed you.

But I didn't want to get up. The feeling of being in the arms of the one you love is unmatchable, and spits in the face of your will, regardless of your strength or who that person is.

So I didn't fight it. I told myself I'd deal with these problems as soon as Sebastian woke up, which gave me time to be the sappy, love-addled teenager I'd never really had the chance to be, and marvel at his beauty while he was unaware.

Beauty isn't a word usually associated with boys, but it was the word that immediately sprung to mind when you looked at Jonathan Morgenstern long enough to get past your fear of being violently murdered. There was something about that elegant, restless face that captured me. The way his eyelashes would cast shadows over his angular cheekbones when his eyes were closed, how his hair tumbled and curled, the way he held me as if he couldn't bare to let me go, how-

"Why are you staring at me, Amari?" Sebastian asked, his eyes open and calculating. I gulped, trying to conjure up an excuse from a mind that was so taken up by thoughts of him, anything remotely clever seemed to have taken a vacation.

"I was... wondering whether you still had those weird black veins on your face." I said eventually.

There. That's a plausible excuse.

It seemed to work, because his features softened, and he kissed me on the forehead. "I'm fine now." He said, "Thanks to you, of course." And then he gave me a proper kiss on the lips, his hands running gently through my hair and unraveling it from the braids I'd slept in. It was only too easy to kiss him back, like it was an instinct as easy as breathing, which is what made it so hard for me, after a few guiltily wonderful seconds, to push him away and roll out of bed.

Sebastian sat up, looking tousled and confused. "What's wrong?"

I made a noise of frustration and spun around. What I knew I had to say was so much easier to say to a blank white wall than an adorable, sleep-ruffled Sebastian.

"You." I said, my tone cold as I stared hard at a slight dent in the wall directly ahead of me.

"Me?"

"Yes you. Jonathan Morgenstern. You had no right to come here."

I heard a sigh, and a rustle as he got out of bed. Even though I couldn't see him, I could feel that he was right behind me. The closeness made my skin tingle, and I forced myself to believe that they were goosebumps of disgust.

"I know I had no right to come, Amari," He said, "but I also know that you only started regretting it about two minutes ago. What changed?"

I let out a huff of air and I spun to face him. "What changed is that I know that I care about you just as much now as I did when I thought you were human. Before I found out that you want to destroy the world, before I found out that you were the one who forced my best friend to follow you blindly, before I found out that you've been stalking me since I was ten..."