Just a Random Blog

Blog Post 4

Hi guys!

Firstly, it may seem like I'm not telling you a lot of things that are actually about my life (you know, like what I'm doing). That's intentional for a couple reasons. Secrecy, for one. It's hard to reveal many details about myself without mentioning real places or clues as to where I live or who I am. And I know that even if I told you guys my address, you probably wouldn't care enough to do anything. But I can be really cautious when it comes to online stuff.

Secondly, my life is pretty boring. I mean, I love it, but I don't have enough repeated interesting things that would make this blog fun to read.

Finally, although my life is pretty boring, my thoughts are crazy. I've got so much on my mind that I can't even listen to a song without my mind wandering. This blog is probably going to be about my thoughts and feelings, because if it wasn't I'd have to lie. And although I lie a lot, this blog is going to be 100% honest. By the end of this, you guys will probably know more about me then my close friends do.

So enjoy :)

Let's talk about what's on my mind: YouTubers, concerts, crushes and flirting. My no boys promise lasted two posts; nice ;)

I love YouTube. I love YouTubers (no sh*t Sherlock). The problem is that my parents hate them. They think that they're trashy, inappropriate and all around stupid.

Don't get me wrong, my parents are great. We fight quite a bit, but it's that whole 'angsty teen wants to be more independent' thing (WHY CAN'T I GO TO THAT PARTY). They just sometimes don't get modern stuff. They don't see my outlook about YouTubers: comedians, inspirational speakers, gamers and helpful tips all in one place. It's great.

Okay. Concerts. My family is one that makes me not able to do anything before my sister did when she was my age. And since my sister was a year older then I am now when she went to her first concert, I'm not allowed. I've missed out on Dan and Phil, Shawn Mendes, Adele and Taylor Swift because of this. It sucks.

Crushes. Okay, I have a bit of a mixed bag about crushes. I'd say I'm reasonably pretty, but not enough that people are interested in me. Besides, I was hella ugly until this year, and it just happened to be the year when me talking to boys completely stopped, because I moved to a girls school.

I've had two proper crushes that lasted more than a couple days. My first was a guy in year 5 who I'm going to call Greg. He was the biggest f**kboy ever, and although we were okay friends, he never seemed that interested in me. He flirted with me, but he flirted with legit every girl in the entire year (cue the f**kboyness). It was only until the end of year 5 when I realised how much of a douchebag he was.

I went crushless for a while, until mid year six when I developed feelings for this guy who I'm calling Ryan. He's still my crush, but although he goes to the school right next to me, where I can literally walk into from our school, we hardly talk except in sporting events.

Yeah, that's where our interests combine. He and I are both obsessed with cross country running. We also sat together for two or three terms in year 6, and talked so much it wasn't even funny.

Actually, it was pretty funny.

So that's my dating life. Single all my life except for two crushes. But that's not the last topic on my mind.

Flirting.

I don't really flirt on purpose. The thing is, a lot of my friends and the boys who I'm talking to mix up my normal way of talking with flirting. It's actually pretty easy to mix them up, because I like to make people laugh. And a lot of people see that as flirting, when I'm just being friendly. I also sometimes prefer the company of boys. Because of this, year 5 and 6 was 'let's tease Callie because she's friends with a boy!' Let's just say that this wasn't a very fun time for me, because a couple of my really close friends joined in, which really hurt.

Just overall, years 5 and 6 were not fun. My twin brother and I were in the same class, and he sat with me and my so called 'friends'. Only two or three out of all of them actually treated him like he was a person who deserved some form of respect. And apparently because I was offended that they were continually bullying my brother, I was treated just as bad.

The first year of high school was pretty bad too. My old best friend and I joined a group of people who we thought were really great. The first few weeks were really fun, but then after that, because I never got offended with any teasing, they started walking all over me. Every day I would go there and continually be the butt of jokes, called horrible names that I was expected to laugh at. But that wasn't even the worst of it.

After two terms of me putting up with them, they then decided that they wanted me gone. So they started texting the 'true' members of the group - including my old best friend who I'm going to call Teresa - and telling them where they were sitting. I would end up having to search for the first half of lunch to actually find where they were sitting. And Teresa, well she betrayed me. She would run in the opposite direction, and generally do everything she could to not let me join the group. That probably hurt the most.

Even that wasn't the worst thing they did.

The worst thing they did, the thing that finally made me go f**k it, I'm leaving, was a meet up. With a bunch of my friends from the boys school. And my crush. The fact that they knew that I liked a guy WHO WAS INVITED and yet were so insensitive to the fact destroyed me. And to rub salt in the wound, they posted pictures all around Instagram.

I saw the posts after school on Thursday, and just started crying. I couldn't stop crying for at least two hours. Even my favourite YouTubers couldn't cheer me up. I couldn't sleep at all that night, and just kept on crying. I felt like I was falling apart. On Friday, I said I was sick and just sat in bed all day. I was so betrayed and hurt that I messed up. Maybe I just wanted revenge, or couldn't stand to see the photos anymore, but I unfollowed Teresa.

Okay, that doesn't sound like some horrible thing that would break away friendships, but it spiralled out of control. She asked me why, I made up some excuse, and to not completely shatter her, I unfollowed one other person.

This resulted in every person who had Instagram in their group blocking me, including my close friends. I also got a desperate call from said close friend asking me what had happened, which started me crying again. I never meant for any of that to happen, and then everyone hated me.

When I finally found the courage to go back to school, I nearly cried the entire day. I found myself walking in the opposite direction in the halls if I saw one of them, so scared that they were going to do something. I was so scared that I basically only went to school so I could talk face to face with Sarah, who I had DMed a couple of times telling her what had happened. She immediately invited me to sit with her, and I found my current group, who I've sat with since.

Don't pity me, okay? I've had rough experiences with this sort of stuff, but that makes me who I am. I've found a group of amazing friends, and I'm happy. These rough times make me who I am, and the only reason I shared this is because this blog is about who I am, and these experiences are who I am. And not in a bad way. I wouldn't have my strength, my resilience or my ability to get help without things like this. In the end, I'm looking back on that experience with happiness, because if it wasn't for that feeling of 'I need to leave', I probably would've still been there. And even though I can be a pretty horrible person sometimes, I don't deserve that. No one does.

Philosophical thought of the blog:

If you take the easy way, things will get harder.

QOTB: Have you ever been bullied?

Thanks for staying this far,

Callie ;)