Jampacked!

Antisocial

I hate people. All people know how to do is abuse, use, and throw away. And that sucks. There are a few people who I absolutely love, but the problem is, those people almost never love me back. Though again, the ones who do, I can't even consider them human because they're so out of this world. But, I have a certain facade. I have a mean looking face, and a sharp tongue that generally keeps everyone away, so I never really have to worry about people. But the worst thing is that I can almost always hear people saying bad things about me. And that hurts. Imagine this; You make new friends, and your so happy. Like very happy. So everyday you hang out with these people. And then one day, you're walking up behind one of them, and you hear "she's so annoying. And creepy. Always wears the ugliest clothes." and now you're kinda a little strucken back. But you don't know what or who they were talking about. So you sit down like normal, but you notice everyone looking at you different. And as the days progress, it seems like you're slipping away from the group. You try to fix it but the group doesn't seem to want you anymore. "Am I not good enough?" "What can I do to be better?" "Please! I wanna be friends." And then you realize, it's not you slipping away from them, it's them running away from you.

Yes, so pretty interesting scenario. That scenario seems to always happen to me. And I try to prevent it. I try being more sensitive, less sensitive, more weird, less weird. I used to eat random lunch food concoctions that people made for me. Things like a plain tortilla shell with some mayo, and some hot sauce, and then a peanut butter sandwich on top, sprinkled with some milk. I used to force myself to eat concoctions like that, just so I could fit in. And I never got in, but now that group remembers everything I did. And they told other people. "Ooh you wanna eat my concoction?" "Hey, weird girl, try this one!" Freak. Weird Girl. Nasty. Pig. It feels like I could've forgotten my name, since no one bothered saying it. Even to this day, I love hearing my name, and I can't stand pet names, who would've guessed it's because of some bullshit I caused myself. I felt betrayed, but maybe I was just being overdramatic. I tried to fit in with some edgy jokes, proving I was cool. I tried to wear cute clothes, or just be cute period. But it never worked. So after someone finally tells you, that you're being stupid, it feels like they just tore away at your heart. It's like: I'VE BEEN THROWING MY HUMANITY AND MY PERSONALITY AT YOUR FEET AND YOU JUST KICK IT AWAY. YOU CALL ME STUPID. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT'S STUPID. THIS FRIENDSHIP THING. WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO TRY FOR YOU? WHY CAN'T YOU TRY FOR ME? And you know what the answer is, "Because your not worth the effort." Always some sort of variation of that answer. So at this point, I've grown rather cynical towards friends and people. I'm not shy, I just can't stand people. Cause it's not like they've ever tried to stand me.