Jampacked!

Image

Image is something I take into serious consideration. Whether it's personality or physical image. I need to look a certain way. There are some things I would change physically, like my weight and height. But those aren't drastic enough to really create problems for me really. And I'm overall pretty satisfied with my body. Though, I wish I was easier to lift, and taller so that I could play sports and be good. But overall, I'm happy with my body. I've got a rockin' ass and some nice tits. Wow okay, so that is called self obsession and is generally very weird. But there's some personality things that I would change if I could.

My personality is very perverted, sarcastic, mean, funny, loud and passionate. At least when I'm around my close friends. I've never really tried to act like this, it just happens. However I have frequent mood swings, so everyday is never the same, but it generally stays in the same region of moods. Around other people I'm quite, snappy, aggressive, and mean. Around people, it's harder for me to talk, dude to my fear of getting too close to people. However, when I do talk, I'm very standoffish and very quick to start barking. I don't really try, it just happens. And sometimes I feel bad, but then doing anything about it would ruin my image. Around my dad, sister and brother, I'm perverted (but to a lower content), funny, goofy, and random. Mostly cause these are the people who are family, so I can be funny and silly, and let my guard down. Around my mom is tough though. I have to be obedient, quiet, polite, nervous, and have to do whatever she says when she says it, or else it gets rough for me. I'm around her about 53% of the time on an ordinary day (like a day without plans and school).

However, the other 47% of the time, I'm alone in my room. And as sad as that sounds, it's when I can just be me. I'm practically the same way with myself as I am with my friends. Except, like most people, I can really embrace myself. I can be lazy, and I don't have to work. I can be obnoxious and loud. I can sit down and breathe, I can gaze up at the ceiling and sing. I can talk to myself about my fears or my ambitions. And I won't have to worry about repeating myself, cause I already know. I don't have to make sure my facial expressions are attractive, because there's no one I need to impress, I can lay on my bed and fucking FART if I damn well please. Because I'm alone. And there's nothing better then the bliss of no one there to judge you.

However, it's not always like that. I'm not always this confident and bubbly. I have extreme fears of being watched, when I'm alone. Though I'm comfortable with myself, I never truly believe I'm alone. It's like, once I dismiss the possibility that there could be ghosts or demons in my room, then they might kill me. I from time to time find myself making conversation with my closet. On some days I won't even open it, in fear there's something inside. I'm also fidgety. I can't sit still. I'll find myself mindlessly playing with a random ball of string that I found in the corner while talking to myself. I'd find myself tapping on the table in my room while pacing my room. The worse part is I get very angry when I'm alone. If there's a small inconvenience I'll find myself throwing things around while screaming. It's a problem, I know. I should seek help, expect I hate being analyzed. So. That isn't ever going to happen. Another thing is, I find myself staying in one corner of my room, because I hate wide places. I hate crowds of people, but a crowded space alone would be bliss. Less room, means more comfort to me.

When I'm outside and alone, I find myself looking up, because I love the sky and the feeling of meaninglessness when you realize how huge the universe is, and how tiny you are. It's funny. I hate looking up at ceilings because I could climb up and reach it, then it's not anything important. It serves no greater value than to block the sky.

So overall, I'm very specific about my image. It's what serves as my protection. So that no one, but the ones with the key can get in. I've only got 4 people with the key. But that doesn't mean that there aren't people who try to get in by breaking my protection. But let me tell you one thing, Mom, Jesse, Richard, Jacob, Gia. You don't open my door with violence, or with tricks, or with force. Because yeah you busted it open without the key, but that just leaves a bigger mess that I'm gonna make you take responsibility for.