for the past few days, i've been dumbfounded at what to say. you tell me you need a break. what the hell does that mean? you mean to tell me that you think it is perfectly okay to talk to me for a year of how much you regretted not taking action back when we first met because you thought you'd never see me again, then you do see me again, we're "together" (or whatever the hell that was), and then say you can't do it? how shitty is that? all i want is to be with you. honestly. and i was stupid enough to think you felt the same way. i try to tell you how i feel and you say you appreciate it, but you just need time? what the fuck? is that all you can say is you need "time"? and you don't know how long? does that not seem unfair to you? at all? you say you don't know what's going on in your life. do you really fuckin think i know whats going on in mine? news flash: i don't. but i was so sure about you. now i'm just lost. i don't hear from you in days and all i want is for you to ask how my day went. that's it. i can't even get that. i used to think about our future together. i did. i always thought, "oh, we can work it out. we're strong enough." i guess you didn't think so. that one night when we were talking about "our" kids' names, i could tell you were being serious when you meant OUR kids. that night i laid in bed wondering if i could picture my son being named randall. i can.
i think i love you. scratch that. i know i do.
love doesnt always burst out in flames and scream "YOU LOVE THIS PERSON". and love isn't just one feeling, either. it's comfortability, and happiness, and weirdness, and just the right amount of TMI. sometimes it isn't the spark when you first kiss. for me, it was a friday night when you had my cheap sunglasses on and were dancing around my room and speaking in different accents. that's when i realized i was too far deep in love with you. you were the most comfortable with me you'd ever been, and i could see the difference that just 5 days with you made with how normal we felt with each other. i don't regret a minute i spent with you because you made me realize what love truly is. and even in knowing you the past year i've seen the world as a brighter and happier place, even in hard times. you being brought into my life has changed how i see the world. i see it as a beautiful place because of a beautiful person. i don't know how long you'll take, whether it be 3 more days, weeks, or months, but i know i'll still be here waiting for you. i don't think i'm ever going to stop waiting. i hope, wish, and pray that you see what i see with us—the possibility of something great. we both experienced it. there's a reason we met and we both know it. now we have to find the reason, together.
i miss you. i hope you come back to me soon. life without you is pretty lonely.
i love you. a lot.
-me
YOU ARE READING
well, that didn't work: an autobiography
Poetryeverything i've never had the courage to say.
