well, that didn't work: an autobiography

texts part 2

i feel like everyone is finding someone and i still have nobody. which is okay because i want to make sure i find the right person or that the right person finds me. but i just thought the right person and i found each other. i thought we had to mean something, yanno? and day by day i am dumbfounded at how wrong i was. usually i am a smart girl but i guess i could never figure him out. i feel like we would have been good. one night in November, the Wednesday before thanksgiving week, he facetimed me while he was packing to go to las vegas and then we were just talking and he kept saying how we were like a movie. and i told him i couldnt wait to see the ending of our movie and he said "ohhh i know it'll be a good one". so either this is one shitty ass movie or we're in that sad part of the exposition when they decide to go look for other people or some other bullshit like that. i wish i wasn't so loving and forgiving and i know that if he came back i would give him forgiveness in a heatbeat just because of how i am. being forgiving is a good thing until you let it hurt you and i feel like in this case it would hurt me. but i am doing so bad without him and i think i am slowly deteriorating. i don't know what is wrong with me because he obviously didn't feel the same as i did, or as i do i guess. i just miss him a lot and i wish he missed me too. maybe he does. but if he does, wouldn't he have at least said hi since valentines day? i know i overthink these things but this just cant be overthought. he just doesn't want anything to do with me and my heart is so broken. i don't know what i did.

//

and maybe he blocked me bc he didn't want me to be hurt by his posts of his gf. i mean thats possible but it just isn't probable. i don't know why i am so stuck on him when he moved on in a week and is happy without me. i could see a future with him and thats what hurts the most. i imagined myself being a navy girlfriend. and i was okay with that because we were used to long distance. hes going to his training in illinois literally right by six flags and i was supposed to go see him all the time. he was so excited. he also told me he would never forget about me when he was in the navy and the thought of me would get him through it. so i thought he thought about our future too. we talked about our kids names the same night we talked about the movie. and even though we were mostly kidding, i could hear in his voice that he was serious and i was too.

//

my feelings for him were the most genuine, sincere, and real feelings i have ever had for anyone. i wish he would see that and not the distance or whatever he seems to think is in the way of us. love is shitty. i feel bad for anyone whos ever loved someone bc man it hurts like hell. missing him while i was with him hurt but it isnt even close to this. this is astronomical.

//

i think i am getting better. the other day, i listened to one of the songs he showed me while he was here for the first time without crying since he left and that was the most accomplished I've felt in a long time. that stupid song and a bunch of other songs and artists always remind me of him. everything reminds me of him. I'm ruined. but i need him. i just wish he would ask how i was but that's too much to ask i guess. i know if he does ever come back that i shouldn't give in to it and i shouldn't forgive him but i don't think i can do that. i need him. i sound like a drug addict but i think he was my antidepressant. i was so positive and happy all of last year. he brought me into a new light and made me see the good. and now all i feel is tired, slow, and heartbroken. i just wish he'd say hi. maybe that would make things better, or worse, but I just want to know if he's okay, because when you love someone you want them to be happy even if you aren't a part of the happiness. maybe one day he'll text me randomly. or he'll apologize. i guess we'll have to play that out but my heart will probably stay hurt until then.

//

he was my best friend and it just sucks.

-texts i send my friends about you (pt 2)

n.s.