well, that didn't work: an autobiography

missing him

yesterday was the first time i talked to him in a month and it was literally just a happy birthday message. all he said back was "thanks! i appreciate it a lot" thats it. but that made me a lot happier than i've been, but also a lot sadder i guess. i guess i was an idiot for thinking it would work out, but i just had a feeling it would. it's sad and a shame that he didn't have the same feeling. i perfectly remember the night he looked at me and told me i was beautiful, and that he was so lucky to have me. i wonder where that night went. it was only a month and a half ago and it seems like last night and years ago all at one time. people tell me "oh, don't let him make you sad!" or "screw him! you don't need him!" but nobody understands how much he meant to me. nobody does. no matter how much i would talk about him i could not get across how giddy he would make me feel. i thought meeting like we did had to mean something, there's just no way you just meet someone that randomly and they make THAT much of a difference in your life. it was like some type of star crossed lovers or whatever. he made me feel the safest i had ever been and i felt like i could trust him. we told each other absolutely everything and we knew each other better than some of our best friends. he was and is my best friend and i love him. a lot. he made me see the beauty in my life even when i was in the worst mood or having the worst day. my friends even say this past year has been the year i've been noticeably happier and had a more positive outlook. i was the luckiest person on the planet when i was with him and now the girl he's talking to is the luckiest person on the planet and i hope to GOD that she knows that because i would do anything to be in her place. i wish so many more people could meet him because he makes everyone laugh. i would never take back the time i spent with and on him and i do not regret anything. i just wish he was closer to me. that's my only wish. some nights i dream that im still with him and i wake up crying, which is the worst part of missing him. i long to be in his arms again for just one more night. this is the longest i have gone without talking to him since i met him and i feel so empty. there's a hole in my heart that's shaped like him. yesterday was hard. hopefully i speak to him again soon and i pray that i get to see him again in person. maybe one day we'll meet again or someday soon we will talk again but until then i will stay missing him and i will stay heartbroken.

—missing you is the hardest thing ive ever done

n.s.