well, that didn't work: an autobiography

a list

1. how are you? how was your week?

2. of course im saying that even though you couldn't take 10 seconds out of the 604,800 seconds in a week to say that to me.

3. i had a dream about you last night. we were laying like we were the first night you were here, all tangled up in each other. that was the best thing ive ever felt. this morning i woke up with the shivers and i was sobbing.

4. i can't stop thinking about you for some reason and it's driving me insane.

5. i don't understand how you tell me the last thing you want is for me to feel played but this is the most played i have ever felt??? also with feeling stupid?? like i feel like the dumbest person alive right now?? confused

6. did you come here just to get laid? cause it honestly feels like it.

7. why did i let you meet my best friends

8. i probably don't even cross your mind do i ?

9. i bet you've moved on. that wouldn't surprise me.

10. why did i think you really needed a break? that was just an excuse to get me to stop talking to you wasn't it?

11. if you wanted me out of your life you couldve just told me. honestly.

12. i hope your family is doing well

13. i thought we had to have met for a reason. i thought it was fate or some bullshit like that. but i guess not.

14. im glad you didn't get me anything for christmas even though i bought you $200 worth of stuff. i hope you are disgusted with yourself when you wear it, if you even do.

15. i was gonna get you the dame 3's for your birthday. i'll save my money.

16. i didnt tell anyone this but ive been saving money since november to come out to the burrito and surprise you. i don't know what to use the money on now.

17. we didn't even technically date but this is the worst heartache i've ever felt. my heart is broken.

18. i am so dumb

19. he thinks you're a douchebag, but you think he is. maybe you both are.

20. my brother keeps asking how you are. i have to keep lying to him and pretend that i hear from you every day still.

21. this is the longest ive gone without talking to you since may. i feel empty.

22. im going back to my therapist again but nothing is working. i dont know what to do anymore.

23. i was gonna say we have bad timing, but it's just you that does.

24. am i ever going to see you in person again...

25. you told me that 2,000 miles wouldn't be a problem, but here we are

26. was it me? did i do something?

27. the silence has been enough for me. i understand how you feel about me now.

28. i dont really know how, after all of that, you don't want me. what happened?

29. i know life is confusing or whatever, but being without you is even more confusing. please come back.

30. the worst part is i thought you cared about me a lot more than you actually did. that's what really hurts. 

—30 things I need to say to you but I'm too afraid to

n.s.