well, that didn't work: an autobiography

texts

i read thru the old things i used to write about him and i realized how much i really had liked him but i know that i fell in love with him when he was here. and by the way he looked at me i thought he felt the same but i guess not. the first night he was here we just laid in bed until 1am and it was so innocent but i felt like i had flames coming out where he had just touched me. one night we were in the living room in the light of the tree and he was looking at me and said "you are just so beautiful". and he said i deserved to hear it more often. i was so ready for him. i never knew that someone i had met that randomly could make such a difference in my life. he came at the perfect time and saved me from an abusive relationship and supported me throughout everything. the last night he was here was the night krissy passed so while my parents were at the neighbors him and i were in my room and he put on my big round sunglasses and made weird voices at me and we were just laughing and thats when i knew i loved him. love doesnt pop out in explosives sometimes, it's subtle but you know when it happens. i knew when it happened. never have i felt like this about someone. he is my best friend and i miss him to no end. i miss even getting a 'hi' from him and i wish i have heard from him in the last two months. this heartbreak is worse than any other. i have a hole in my heart that's shaped like him.

i remember all the little things about him and i miss them all.

i miss his uneven lips, his bottom was bigger than his top. i miss his hands because even though they were bigger than mine they fit me perfect. i miss his stupid ass raiders shirt that he would wear around the house and i would yell at him for bc i hate them. i miss how enthusiastic he was about the cubs and how excited he was when he first saw chicago. i still have the pic from when he saw the skyline up close. he was so fascinated. i miss the way he would make me feel safe with him bc of what happened. i miss his weird voices that hed make when i got mad and i miss the funny faces he made. i miss his generosity and i miss how much he cared for me. i miss the look he gave me when we first saw each other again after a year. i will never forget that look.

//

we talked about what we would name our kids and although we joked around about it i could hear the tone in his voice that he meant it. i meant it too. he told me he would never forget me when he was in the navy and that id be what gets him thru. he forgot about me before then.

//

i wonder if he looks at the stars and thinks of me or us. the night when i first met him we went to look at the stars on the beach and i saw orion's belt. i saw it last night. maybe he did too. or maybe he wasn't looking at them.

//

i wish he would come back.

—texts i sent my friend about you (i still miss you)

n.s