well, that didn't work: an autobiography

dominant

he pulls back from our kiss and smiles. "what's the smile for?" he laughs to himself. 

"you like to be dominant, don't you?" i think about it for a second and simply shake my head. "well, i sure have my hands full with you." he kisses me again.

on my way home, i keep thinking about what he said. i didn't like to be in control in a relationship. but then again, i guess i did, i think. i have to know what comes next and i have to be calling  the shots, but i didn't realize why until that drive home. it's all because of that night. as much as i said no, you just kept going. i didn't know what was going to happen so i simply shut my eyes while i said, "no."

i have to know that i am safe now. safe. while i am comfortably sitting on his couch and he kisses me, i go to autopilot, which is a fight-or-flight feeling. he tells me my heartbeat is fast, which i already knew. i blamed it on being nervous. which, i was. i always am with every boy i've tried to trust since you. i haven't felt safe with myself or any man since you. this is so tiring.

every boy says they understand what i went through and they won't rush me. but they always end up leaving. they can't wait when they don't know how long they'll have to wait. they can't stay with someone so damaged. i'm only seventeen and i am so far from repair.

hopefully he won't leave me too. i give it a few weeks.

you have ruined me. 

-i just want to feel like myself again