My Taboo Disease

Not Working

            After almost a year trying physical therapy on and off, we finally concluded that this procedure was not the final answer. I had no success with the first dilator and usually by a year women are at least at the second, third or fourth one and noticing a difference. It was time to stop the weekly torture and we knew it.
             I scheduled an appointment with Dr. Brooks, unfortunately due to his busy schedule, it was two months out.
             During that time, I was suffering other stressors in my life and my depression was sending me into a deep, dark hole. My relationship with Nate was falling apart, I was no longer in love with him and he was no longer in love with me (though he never admitted it, I know it's true). I held onto the relationship with everything I had, but it scared me. I knew I wanted out, that I couldn't spend the rest of my life with him, but who would want me? On top of that, I was taking 14 credit hours at school, and working 7 days a week (which racked up about 50hr work weeks) to make ends meet. I did Monday-Friday's at the school, and Saturday's and Sundays at the zoo, and evening classes Monday-Thursday's. I was so stressed that I was consistently sick and whenever I wasn't working or going to school, I was sleeping. My grades suffered, my health suffered, and I took it out on everyone, including my family.
             Around November of 2015, I met a guy in my microbiology class named Shane. We studied together in a group and had the most incredible conversations. Though I was still in a relationship with Nate, I knew Shane was the one I wanted to marry, I even voiced it to two friends once who must have thought I had lost my mind. I fell head over heels for him, but I felt stuck with Nate. I was afraid that if I left him, I would be forever alone because once Shane found out about my problem, well...
                When school ended for the semester and my appointment with Dr. Brooks' appointment was just a week or two away, I finally got the courage to leave Nate. Well, in a way he started it. We had our usual argument, and he said his classic line "why don't we just break up?!" Where he expected me to break down and beg him not to leave me...but this time, I knew it was time. I responded with a simple "okay" and left.

                Long story short, I ended up with Shane. He took me in and confessed his love, that he knew that I was for him as well but he never made a move out of respect. I confined in him about my problem up front and miraculously, he didn't care. He was in it for me and I have never felt luckier.
                 Shane became my main support system in a way I could have never known. I finally visited Dr. Brooks in January of 2016 and he put me on medication including neurotin, amytryptinale, and immuran. Two nerve blocks and an immune suppressor. I guess you could call me the poster child for symptoms. The first two knocked me off my feet, made me dizzy and numb, and the immuran made me nauseous to the point where I was throwing up at work. I took each of these twice a week, and he upped them slowly through the course of 10 months.
              Dr. Brooks also thought I would benefit from Botox injections. That's right-Botox injections, down there. For women with severe vaginismus, Botox works to paralyze the muscles so that they can penetrate them with a dilator and get used to them. So, that's what we would try-vaginal Botox. Needless to say I wasn't thrilled, but I managed to make light of it as much as possible.