My Taboo Disease

3/12/17

I wasn't sure I wanted to write this because I've been so positive lately, I don't want to admit something is wrong. But what's the point if I'm not going to be honest?
I'm supposed to be dilating every day, but I'll b honest I've been slacking. Today I picked it up again though and it was awful. There is a painful spot near the opening I couldn't get past. Dr. Sullivan told me to move up to the second size dilator but it wasn't going to happen. I was able to get past the spot once with the smaller size but only once. I couldn't do it a second time and that sent me into a total panic. I was inconsolable, I cried harder than I have in a long time and my poor fiancé couldn't comfort me as much as he tried.
Writing this makes me cry. I know logically pain is going to happen and it's not going to be perfect  every time, but this small setback really got to me. I was so elate on Wednesday, not being able to replicate that success really scares me. I don't want to regress, I don't think I could handle that.
I texted Dr. Sullivan and she told me to just stop today and try again tomorrow or Tuesday. Of course that's the logical thing to do. It's not going to be perfect every time and you can't push it or I really will hinder my success. But oh man I so badly just want to the again and be successful. But I know if I try under the emotional state I'm in, then I will make it worse.
I wish I could calm myself down. I can't!! My anxiety about this is through the roof, it's driving me crazy. And I'm in pain so I just can't stop thinking about it.
I will try again tomorrow, but only if I can get myself under control and realize that if it doesn't work out it's not the end. This is literally the first time I've ever looked forward to going to my doctors appointment on Wednesday.