My Taboo Disease

1/28/17

              I thought a lot about writing about this, mainly because of the personal aspect, but also because it isn't a serious update. It's just about where I am psychologically I guess...I also didn't want this to become like a journal, but screw it this is my book! I can write whatever I want right?? Sorry, on the defense I guess. Anyway, here it is.

              Currently, I nanny for a blended family of five children. This weekend three of them are at their mother's, and one of them at his father's so the parents decided to take the weekend to go up to Sedona and asked me to stay with her. I happily said yes, as I absolutely love this little girl. She is so cute and so much fun to take care of, even though she's in her tantrum stage. So here I am, Friday-Sunday with this kid who makes me so full, we're having all sorts of fun. Today we decided to go to the aquarium, this brand new giant aquarium called Odyssea that just opened up last year. The family has an annual pass which meant I got to take her for free so I jumped at it today because it is so dang expensive.

                I brought my fiancé Shane along as there was room on the pass for a second adult, and the kid loves him. She's barely even met him, mostly seen him on facetime but she calls him her best friend. She was psyched he was coming with us. The three of us went through the aquarium and had a blast. While we were there, I noticed another couple about our age with a brand new baby-couldn't be more than three weeks tops. Everywhere they went they took pictures of each other holding the baby in front of literally everything. I mean they must have stopped every five feet.

              I watched this couple and giggled silently at their incessant picture taking, because I know I would be the exact same way. I pointed them out to Shane "look at that sweet baby! Look at them take so many pictures with him oh my gosh that's so cute" and we watched in silence. As I watched them, I started to feel the tears coming and I looked at Shane just in time to see one fall from his eyes. He put an arm around my shoulder and I said sniffing, "I hope that's us." He nodded and we looked down at the little girl I was caring for, focusing on coloring a picture of a seahorse.

              "I hope this is us..." I said again, feeling my heart grow heavy at the thought of it not being.

              "It will be." Shane said giving me a squeeze.

               I guess I didn't realize how much I'm still hurting from this. I mean yeah in a way I knew, but I've been feeling pretty good lately I forgot these emotions were still buried inside of me. I want to be a mother so bad, I know I want it. But Shane, he was meant for it. He is a natural with kids, he's much more patient than I am and he is quickly relaxed around them. He needs to be a father.

               Yes, I will absolutely consider adoption. In fact it's one of my goals. With all of the kids out there who need homes, it's almost crazy not to want to adopt. But oh man if I can I want one of my own as well. One that my fiancé and I create together...I want so badly to experience pregnancy and birth, more than anything right now. I know some people don't get that, but my soul craves it. Oh man I'll do anything to make this work, I mean anything . If I could jut have one of my own I'll adopt 50 kids!! Haha just kidding, but really...I need this to be a thing. One of our own and one adopted, that would be so perfect. The stress right now of not yet making progress since surgery is killing me though. I am ready to go to physical therapy right now, they're just not ready for me yet and the wait is killing me. I can't wait any longer to feel normal...I want to feel normal now!