Randomgenerated // Ger // Eng

Confusion // eng

I am confused.

very confused.

Its basically just about my genderidentity.

In elementry school I always wanted to be called and seen as a boy. As a normal boy, doing boy things and looking boy-ish. Unfortunatly there were some problems like the look. I always had an rather middle-length-haircut. It was always about shoulder length and I always had bangs. back in them days I didn't hide my long hair underneath a hat or something. Also my mom would never allow me to cut my hair short or hide it because "I am a girl". This reason, istg stop.

My mom had a shop which sold childrens clothing. Since I hated the colour pink and never wanted to wear pretty dresses or skirts I always got to wear them baggy jeans and these boxy shirts and Tshirts. It was a weird time for fashion, it was 2005 or 2006, if Im right. My fashion sense was completly fucked up. I guess looking back at that time (At least the things I remember from it lol) I was kinda Genderfluid. I was very comfy with being a boy and during family dinner or holidays I was a girl and was okay with that too. I never chose a gender because I was always titled a girl so I must be a girl right ?

With 14/15 (~one year ago wow) I really got into the whole lgbtq+ thing and started to really think about me and my genderidentity. Till some time ago I identified as genderfluid because sometimes I felt really female and I really liked my female looking body even with my short hair now. But more and more I got the feeling Im more boy then I think I am. I always look into the men section when online shopping and always download pics of attractive men because I just want to look like them, I want to be as manly as them, I get inspo from them. I was always like "yeah and tomorrow Imma wear a skirt." And in the morning when I held that skirt in my hand or even wore it I felt so uncomfy and so weird and like it doesnt fit me and I should wear that.

Just recently during PE I was wearing leggings and I felt hoenestly so weird. It was so ufg.dhqöiufn.akjwfhuiweh  I just wanted to hide my thin, female legs like dont lookkkkkkkjgwuehcvkwuw. I was so uncomfy that I just wanted to go back into the cabins till PE was over.

I always feel like my small boobs could be smaller, could be non existing for me to be happy. When I see topless men with their broad and muscular upper body I get kinda jealous because I cant be this sexy and I cant achieve that without surgery and even then my body would look weird because of these stitches and my nips would probably look really not manly lmao. I didnt do proper research because I am lazy hehe but I really dont want to undergo surgery or p0ut testosteron into my body because this is the body I was born with and I feel like it has a reason why my body is female.

Im just confused

I dont know if Im a boy or just genderfluid.

I dont know if I should identify with other genders beacuse there are so many like why like akfuwhnlcjd

Im scared. And I dont wannt to be scared.

(I just wanted to let go off all my thoughts that where beaming around and Im sorry thats not like a little shortstory or OS thing and just my thoughts but I hope you still enjoy or relate to my confusing state. Thanks for reading.)

I still dont have a masculine name but Hana is too feminine for a boy I feel like, help.