POISE//AMBW

2.

Nala was such a fine young thing. She would always brighten everyone's moods with unheard of jokes and by her clumsiness. For such a brilliant woman, she lacked confidence in even the littlest of conversations. Despite this peculiar feature, she brought life into others around her, including myself. I found myself craving to be next to her, to be able to hear her melodious voice whisper in my ear of such hopefulness. She always spoke something of great significance--anything else would not be much of a discussion.

I was so blessed to have her within my reach, being able to comfort her and protect the  growing creature inside of her, now large, stomach. I leaned over the bed and traced my fingers along her belly, "You're going to be a great mom." Nala smiled, taking my soft hand and placing it in a specific location.

"Feel." She whispered, and closed her eyes. Soft kicks emerged from her, making me smile vibrantly in pride. I could only imagine how it felt from within her. "It's almost time..." Nala said, readjusting herself, pain evident in her facial expression. She was nine months pregnant and she was due in a few more days.

Those few days passed without any hint of slowing down. We were in the hospital now---I was comforting her as she writhed in pain. I wanted to do away with the increasing amount of discomfort she was receiving. The contractions were heavy and long, getting longer by the minute. After a grueling thirteen hours, she gave birth to a handsome, innocent baby boy. We named him Haneul, meaning Heavenly which he was by all entirety.

"Isn't he just lovely?" I said stroking Hanuel's baby hair, Nala holding onto him, beads of sweat running down from the side of her face. "Yeah..." She smiled tiredly before giving him back to the nurse.

We took him home after a mere three days. I was excited to finally be a dad. To be able to coach my son to play soccer and valuable life lessons, meant the world to me. At night, I would hold him and protect him away from his own depths of imagination, promising that whatever monster that lies upon us cannot hurt us at all.

The first few nights were Hell. Hanuel cried and cried, waking us up the minute we actually started to fall asleep. I didn't want Nala to have to be the only getting up to stop his cries, so I would wake up to do so. Of course, I cannot feed him, lacking milk from my breast, so we decided to have milk set aside.

As I told her before, she was a great mother. Never have I seen someone love a baby as much as she---Haneul never cried, but only at night when he needed to feel someone's soft touch upon his skin. It was a sight to see. I could not accompany my son and wife as much as I wanted to; my job prevented me from being with them. There were times when I would have to leave early in the morning and come home late at night to provide us with food on the table.

I feared that I would miss majority of my son's life, if I kept going about like this. Deep down, I knew, that I would have to find another job, but what job would pay the many bills that we had? I had an Art degree, but would that be enough?

I did not tell Nala about my worries, making sure that I didn't increase her stress.

I was in the process of rubbing her back and giving her a massage after her long day of watching Hanuel. "He's reacting to a lot of things now." She was telling me about her day and Hanuel's overall growth within the first few months. At first, he didn't show much growth at all, causing us to become anxious. We didn't want him to be behind the other kids.

"He always smiles when I start singing, and you know how terrible my voice is. Hanuel is too cute, Namjoon." I kept digging in her back, her muscles finally seeming to relax. "Is he now? I can't wait until he's walking! Is he talking now? Has he said anything yet?" I asked, impatiently. I really wanted to know how he was doing.

Nala groaned in response to me reaching a knotted spot in her back. "He's only one, Namjoon. Let up on him some. I'm sure that when he turns two, he'll reach these milestones." She reeassured me, as I stopped to take a break.

The sun was just beginning to go down, the orange yellow lighting sneaking through the curtains, kissing our room. Shadows began to sweep around in the corners silently. The news projected sound coming from the T.V., giving us inside details about a new movie.

"I'm sure he will, I'm sure he will, but I just want to be there when he does. I want to be the best dad ever!" I confessed, moving aside so Nala could readjust herself to sit up and look at me. She put a warm hand on my shoulder and smiled at me lovingly," You're going to be a wonderful dad, the best dad around. He's our first son---our first child. I think it's best if we try not to corrupt him first."

Her laughs filled the vast empty air, ringing through the halls. Her mellifluous voice never failed to relax me even in the most strenuous moments. She cocked her head towards me to make sure that I was okay, the shadows now lurking onto her face. Light brown eyes met mine, removing all the worry that settled in the pit of my stomach. Nala's eyes would always change color depending on how she felt, going from a deep dark chocolate brown to a somewhat deep caramel color which complimented her skin.

She was a goddess and I wanted to serve her well; she made me strive to be the best that I could be, and now that I have a son, I felt pressure. Pressure to teach him about the misconception of love. Pressure to teach him his mixture of cultures as best as I could. Pressure to teach him acceptance of others regardless of their backgrounds.

I expected so much from a one year old that could barely keep his pacifier in his mouth. "I'm fine, babe. I just don't want to screw up, that's all. I'm fine." I got up in search of my baby boy, Nala telling me that he was at a neighbor's house.

I put on my shoes with a heavy heart. I told her that I was okay, but surely I was not. Maybe---eventually--- this feeling will go away.

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