POISE//AMBW

4.

"Hanuel, we don't throw sand!" Nala scolded the plump boy who continued to throw sand and sticks. We had him for a mere ten months and he was picking up on things very quickly. At this stage in his life, he enjoyed throwing things. Children played loudly at the park, geese flew around trying to get bread from whoever would be so kind to give them some. The sweet smell of flowers lingered in the air. Kids pushed each other on the swingset and faint chastising from parents was heard. Nala sat on the ground teaching Hanuel how to build a sand castle near the man made pond, and yet he seemed to not have been catching on very quickly. "No, Hanuel! No throwing sand!" She growled at him, but he continued to laugh. Nala's face got dark, frowning heavily. She looked at me knowingly as I sat on the bench, Hanuel slowly grabbing another handful, testing her waters. Hanuel gave an evil smirk, ready to launch his small handful only to be smacked on the hand by his mother. His lips began to quiver violently, eyes shifting from me to Nala questioning why she hit him. I shrugged at him, notifying him that it was his own fault and those were the consequences. Cheeks a deep crimson, nothing prevented him from wailing which made a million eyes stare at us in wonder.

Nala yanked him up in annoyance---she did not like unneeded attention---and sat next to me. Hanuel began to slide of her knee like condesation on a glass on a hot Summer's day, and once again, she yanked him back up. After a few minutes of fighting with the one year old, she handed him to me, throwing her arms up in a tired surrender. "I think it's time to go home." I announce, putting him in his stroller and getting the diaper bag. Nala had crossed her arms like a stubborn child who did not get her way, reached for the keys, and walked off. It was quite evident that Hanuel had made her really upset.

We made no conversation in the car, but I gently rubbed her thigh to ease her. Hanuel prattled on, shaking his toys playing with them. "Are you alright?" I questioned her. The woman sighed, lightly taking her hand in mine and stroked it. "Yes, I'm fine, Namjoon. I'm fine." Her voice was low and shook a little. The light turned red and the car came to a halt. I shifted so that I could finally take a glimpse at her. Sand was stuck in some parts of her hair, her face long in a deep pout, eyes fixated on something in front of her. I couldn't help but laugh at how ridiculous she was acting and how adorable she looked.

"Nala, he's only one. Let up on him a bit." I told her, shaking her shoulder playfully. She crossed her arms ignoring my words of encouragement and huffed loudly. "I said that I was fine, Namjoon. I'm not in the mood." Her lie shined brighter than an airplane moving in a dark sky with unmoving stars surrounding it. "Tell me a better lie, Nala." I challenged her, knowing that she was going to roll her eyes and huff again before confessing. As predicted, she huffed and she puffed, but luckily, she didn't blow any house down. "I don't know, Dimples. Am I being a good mother? Did I do the right thing?" Her eyes met mine before a car honked loudly, signifying that the light turned green, and I was holding them up. "I think you did the right thing, babe. We have to discipline him as best as we can, and it has to start now. It has to start somewhere." Uncrossing her arms, she finally gave in,"Yeah, it does start now."

We entered the house silently, all of us exhausted from the day at the park. Hanuel yawned, throwing his head on Nala's shoulder as she carried him to his room. I quietly put everything where they needed to be, diaper bag near the storage room alongside his stroller. She came out of the room flushed, plopping down on the couch. I followed like an old dog lagging behind it's master shortly after, rotating my stiff neck. For such a young couple, we were starting to act really old.

"He sure is a piece of work." I sighed, extending my long legs while pulling Nala on top of me. We laid there in silence, our chests creating a pattern as we breathed. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Silence was something that we often used towards each other, but not of anger but of serenity. It was golden. The gold melted away as quickly as it formed,"I love you, Namjoon." Big light brown eyes met mine, her chin now stabbing my collarbone. I had to take her word for it, not inquiring if she truly did or not for there was no need.

There was no need to question her love for me when she her actions proved so. She picked her words carefully like I, acknowledging how words can affect a person. Nala would never say anything she didn't mean, there was always a reason behind her words. There were times that I did question her love for me, never voicing it to her. An internal conflict always formed within me, I always seemed to overthink at unneccessary times. But, on the flip side, I told her not to question my love for her. Such a contradiction, I'm aware, but days like these make me question it.

Overall, my wife has gotten more comfortable with her skin, causing her to become more confident. I praised her for this beneficial change---I still am, but things have changed. I gave her an empty smile. She couldn't tell the difference, so she put her head back down listening to the drum like beat of my heart. Baboom. Up. Baboom. Down. Baboom. Up. Baboom. Down. Baboom. I held in a long sigh.

"Your love for me doesn't go unrecognized, Nala. I will never let you go." It was true; I would do anything to keep her in my possession without force. If I could prevent it, I would stop it without thinking twice.

Twice...

Two...

Our favorite number. It takes two people to be in love with one another. It takes two to make a child. It takes two to make a pact for the better of those that may be affected. It takes two to uphold a commitment to each other. I did not know what I did in my past life to be able to come close to someone like Nala. And yet, it was not about me anymore. It was not about her anymore.

It was about us. Us. Our son, our house, our future---there is no single individual anymore, we were all together. A bond that would be hard to divide as long as we stuck together. If one falls, we all go crumbling into devastation as well.

I began to get uncomfortable with my unrelenting thoughts, so I slowly moved Nala off of me so I could get up. She looked at me like a curious cat asking what did she do for me to pull away from her so suddenly. I shook my head, passing through mental telepathy that she wasn't the problem, resulting in a head shake saying that she understood.

But, indeed, she was the problem. A problem that I could never solve quickly like a Rubix Cube. She was the cause of my plentiful doubts and worries. It was my duty to be the best that I can be, to fulfill her needs that she always says are fulfilled, but I know are not. I need to be there for Hanuel as much as I can, so I can teach him how to take care of such a lady like herself.

She was my problem that could never be solved, but all of my worries came from my own insecurities that I developed. I've changed too...

I went into our bedroom and laid down, closing my eyes in search of peace and crept into unconscienceness.

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