platonic empathy • atsukyo fanfic •

ix. a coward's courage

         WHEN that certain moment came - the eyes shared such intensity, connected to each other yet there is this existing doubt. That imminent doubt that even that strong faith built in a fort of emotions was made - it could still be easily destroyed. 

        One looked away, feeling the guilt creeping in, entangling his throat until his lungs shout for air. 

         Atsushi looked away first. 

  🐯🌸 COURAGE 🌸🐯      

That morning, it was hard for Atsushi to wake up from his bed. The dawn already passed and the sun was already up in the sky, roaring with heat - he was still entangled with blanket. He woke up, the sweat dried up in his shirt but still, sweat continued to emit from his body. 

"Omf," he groaned as he rolled himself thrice in the bed trying to push himself out of the bed. The minute the sunrise came, his eyes just then begin to falter and pulling him into slumber. 

Unrolling himself from the blanket around him, he saw Kyoka by the door looking at him intently. He was startled by the sudden appearance of Kyoka. Being in the edge of the bed he was, he fell down creating a loud thud. 

"Ouch," the impact of the floor to his head created a bump on his head throbbing - adding to the migraine he was currently experiencing due to the disturbance of his nightly routine. 

Kyoka was looking at Atsushi, trying to wake himself up. She knew that Atsushi was having a hard time sleeping; last night was not much peaceful. Atsushi kept on moving in his bed, pacing back in forth, steps were so loud (because of the wooden floor) and not to mention, he was speaking in his sleep, it seemed like a nightmare but she was not sure herself. She heard him moaning in pain and helplessness.

That was like an reenactment of what she had experienced in the first night of the death of her parents. Unable to sleep well, having the same loop of nightmare every night and all of it was still getting worse when the Port Mafia took her in, it was only getting worse. 

Bloodbaths everywhere, the same pleading sounds of the people she killed were haunting her - turning into mystic beasts and creatures trying to kill her and whispering her to kill herself. 

But since she slept in this house, it stopped. Her dreams were composed of her and Atsushi, them having a peaceful time together. No quarrels and no doubts to each other. 

Kneeling beside Atsushi still groaning in pain, she asked, "Are you okay?" but Atsushi flinched. 

It puzzled Kyoka, why would he flinched at her words...? She tilted her head being clueless she was she asked, "Did I do something wrong?" 

That question caught Atsushi redhanded. All at once, the memory of the nightmare played back in his mind. The seed of little doubt in his heart was still lingering in him and in return, shame grew inside - welling up in his chest. 

Convey. 

He wanted tell her that he had a nightmare - about her, about her being unable to change into a normal human who didn't kill. The establishment of trust and through conveying it to her - that little doubt may vanished and he could fully placed his trust to him. But his inability to open his mouth - it was like in the nightmare.

Speak, but he couldn't because he was still a coward. 

 🐯🌸🐯🌸🐯    

Kyoka wanted to ask what was wrong. It was fully evident into Atsushi; the frown in his eyebrows, his constant sighs and deep breaths as if he was trying to compose himself, it was hard for  Kyoka to decide on what to do.

Cluelessness - that was her current state of being. She had never interact much to others and the only interaction she could manage to strangers was her trademark poker face. It was not like she was trying to imply that Atsushi was not more than a stranger and not an acquaintance but a friend whom she considered close as a family. 

Though her closeness with Atsushi was not really much of an intimate relationship but of something closer than an acquaintance because of her lack of relationships with another human being.  

Atsushi kept such an obvious distance from Kyoka but due to her obliviousness, she hadn't noticed that it was deliberate. Kyoka was fidgeting in her spot, wanting to open up a conversation. 

She very well know that they haven't really striked up any conversation purely to getting to know each other well. But nothing came up in her head as she didn't know how to open up  conversation. 

What a shame I am, Kyoka though shamefully while pouting in frustration. She didn't noticed that she had accumulate an air in her cheeks, gaining volume. Atsushi was looking aimlessly when he noticed Kyoka's cheeks - it was cute. 

He covered up his mouth immediately. Underneath his palm, he could feel his cheeks getting warmer, his ears and the tip of nose were unusually red.

Humor came to him, trying to restrain his laugh and smile to come out, it was unbearably adorable for him. 

Kyoka released the accumulated air in her cheeks, "pomfffff," the sound said.

Atsushi's worry flee in the instant - Kyoka herself had made him less worried of her. The trust they built has regained itself.

🐯🌸🐯🌸🐯

Kyoka was unexpectedly a good cook.

She was walking the towards the table where Atsushi was seating and stopped at the table, preparing the break fast she prepared.

A steamed catfish accompanied with a hot miso soup and newly-cooked rice emitting heat, Atsushi's stomach growled in hunger.

"Thank you for the food!" He enthusiastically said looking at the feast in the table.

Kyoka removed her apron and later joined Atsushi at the table, she was staring intently to the food laid before her eyes.

Her vision began to blur, due to her prolonged look towards the food.

"Mother," she whispered.

Atsushi, enjoying his food heard Kyoka and mid-way stopped.

Kyoka was crying again.

"Kyoka."

He laid down his chopsticks and leaving his seat, he walked towards Kyoka and hug her from behind.

"Kyoka, I'm here."

That reassuring words, over and over again warming Kyoka's heart. Throwing her again to the pool of memories of her family.

That was the first time At sushi called her by her first name.

"I can never thank you enough for you, Atsushi."

That was the first time she called him by his first name.

All the things that was entangling Atsushi from his throat - anything that was defying his trust to Kyoka vanished.

"Family, we are certainly that isn't?" she asked with her eyes brimming with tears looking ahead of the table filled with their shared food.

Atsushi only tightened his hug - feeling her small frame against his body. It was spreading warm in his body, there was this strange feeling in his chest - he wanted to keep on hugging her.

"Yeah, we are a family Kyoka."

He felt brave saying it. He was no longer a coward but a courageous one. It felt like this was the right time to tell Kyoka about his recent nightmare.

"Kyoka, I want to tell you about the nightmare I had last night."

She nodded quietly though reluctant, Atsushi removed his arms in her waist and returned in his seat.

🐯🌸🐯🌸🐯