Love You Enough

I Miss Him

Stevie wakes up early, slipping out of bed. Lindsey is snoring beside her and she strokes his hair. It's short and different than she liked but he needed a change. She helped him cut it in their kitchen one evening and it was almost rejuvenating for her too. She slipped into the bathroom and lifted the porcelain lid from the back of the toilet. She rolled up her soft, fluffy robe sleeve and dipped her hand into the water, pulling out a small plastic bag that contained an even smaller bag.

"Yes" She cheers herself on, seeing it was indeed waterproof. She opened the larger bag and discarded it. The tiny bag she now held in her hand was what she was after. She opened it up carefully as to not spill its contents. She gets her small mirror off the wall and searches for the perfect tool. She dumps the white powder onto the reflective glass surface, using what she had available, which happened to be a metal nail file, to cut perfect lines of cocaine. Her heart was racing and her hands were shaking. She wasn't quite used to doing this again. The nerves and adrenaline were enough to knock her down. She found her rolled up bill she had shoved in her pocket of her robe and made quick work of her endeavor.

She sat back against the sink and closed her eyes. Finally she was getting a little relief and it washed over her in waves. The pain was slipping away and soon she would feel nothing. After a few minutes, she opened the cabinet doors and shoved the mirror under the sink. She put her money back in her pocket and left the bathroom. She slipped back in bed with Lindsey and lay in his embrace until he stirred, hours later.

"Good morning, my love" he says, kissing her cheek.

"Good morning, Linds"

"How are you feeling?"

"You know how I feel"

"I mean beyond that"

"There is nothing beyond that" she says and he changes the subject.

"How about breakfast?"

"No thank you. I'm not hungry" He sits up and looks at her, studying her features.

"Where is it?" He asks. His expression changed suddenly and his jaw was clenched.

"Where is what?"

"Stevie, this is not a game"

"I'm not playing" she says, getting up and going to take a shower.

"We aren't done"

"Yes we are" she replies, the water drowning out Lindsey's questioning. When she gets out, he's right there on her like a bloodhound sniffing out its prey.

"Where is it?" He asks, his voice chilling her to the bone.

"Where is what?"

"You're high. Where is your stash?"

"Get off it, Lindsey" she says firmly.

"I will tear this place apart. There wont be anything left of this beautiful house when I'm finished"

"You wouldn't dare"

"Try me" he says, crossing his arms and she sighs.

"It's gone"

"You did it all?" He asks and she nods.

"You could kill yourself that way, Stevie."

She starts to cry "Would it really be that bad?" She asked.

"Steph..."

"Would it? I'm not living anyway, not without him"

"What about me? And what about when he comes home? To leave Leo motherless....you're not thinking"

"I can't talk to you anymore" she says, leaving the bathroom wearing just her silk robe now.

"It hurts me too but I don't want to die"

"Maybe you're stronger than me. I can't do this much longer"

"Hold on for me." He begs, getting on his knees in front of her. "Please, stay with me Stephanie."

She nods. "I'll try"

"I love you, you know that"

"And I love you too"

"The pain won't go away but I will try to make it easier on you"

"How?"

"I don't know" he admits. "But I will"

"Okay" she says, tears still falling down your face.

"Will you stop?"

"Stop?"

"No more coke."

"I need it, Lindsey"

"No you don't, baby."

"It helps. It helps me."

"What can I do to change your mind?"

"Nothing" she says and he gives her a look of defeat.

"Okay, I'll back off" he says, getting up from the floor. He knows he can't push her or he might send her right over the edge. "Can I kiss you?"

"Yes please" she says and he presses his lips to hers.

"Nothing in this world is more important than you and our son"

"I know"

"Don't slip away, Steph"

"I'm right here" she says, looking into his eyes and seeing the fear there.

"I'm here too. Let's keep it that way, shall we?" She nods again. "Let's get something to eat. You don't have to clean your plate but you need a couple bites at least."

"Okay" She gets up from where she was sat on the bed and follows him downstairs.

Passing their son's room was always difficult so the door had been shut and locked, left mostly the way it was the morning before he disappeared. Stray clothes from the night before lay on the changing table, there were toys in the crib, blankets on the rocking chair. His bed time story book was on the table and the lamp was on, not willing to turn it off and disturb his energy she believed was still there. Leo left his mark and she wouldn't erase it. She had complained of nausea recently and he thought for sure it was the grief. Now he knew it was drugs and her increasing alcohol consumption. In an attempt to help, Lindsey makes her an omelette, remembering that's the only thing she really wanted when she was pregnant with their son. Her stomach was unsettled and temperamental as she dealt with her morning sickness then. Just the thought of this as he cooked made his heart break for her all over again. His wife couldn't function, everything reminded her of their boy. She couldn't walk through the house without crying. When she was forced to go out, she couldn't see a baby without trying to run the other way. She crossed the street when a pregnant woman would walk past, not even able to contain the jealousy and sadness within her. No, she didn't want to intentionally hurt someone's feelings but she begged for relief and shutting out her suffering was all she could think to do.