Just another depressed girl.

Conversations

I've tried  to talk to you but it always goes the same way.

1: I plan it out.

2: I think of everything you might say.

3: I get ready for anything especially rejection

4: my anxiety hits and I get to nervous and can't get my breathing under control.

5: something happens either that you are called somewhere else or I chicken out because I'm too busy trying not to cry and get my breathing back

Yep.

This is what I had planned yesterday before my episode.

I would go up to you and tell you that I needed to talk. Just for 2 minutes.

If you went along with it I would have started talking.

If you rejected I would take you away so we could talk.

I would say  "I know you hate me with everything."

"And I don't blame you. Because what I did was horrible. You don't yell at someone you love. You don't accuse them of such horrible accusations."

"But I did that."

"I'm sorry but I need you to know that he says anything bad about me or what I've said about you, please don't believe him."

"I know I've wronged you and I can never make it up."

"But please don't believe him. I've never lied to you. Ever."

"Who would you believe now? Him who you've know for only a year? Him who has been melons of you because you had me? Him who vandalized my lunchbox and lied about it? Him who has gone behind your  back to make up lies about you just so I would get mad and leave you alone?!"

But me? What have I done...... That part took me a while.

"Me who said you were a coward? Me who you hated and accused me of bulling you in the beginning of 6th grade? Me who was too clingy? Me who loves you for just being you? Me who broke you and your friends up because they hated me? Me who held you hand? Me who called you an asshole and an idiot for every caring about me? Me who spent all your time talking about my family and them fighting? Me who cries everynight because of the regret I feel? Me who told you that you were good enough and perfect and didn't need to change. Me who stood up and yelled at her when she talked bad about you? Me who you had a crush on? Me who in the 5th grade gave me a cute little bear because I was one of your only friends? Me who played soccer with you and watched and did something embarrassing and told me to keep it a secret..(wich I do)? Me who risked my friendship with my only other friends just to call her off for saying that about you... After you left?"

"Please believe me."

"I will always care for you and if you're happy, I can live with that." 

Then walk away.

Fuck.

i just want to talk to you. 

Goodbye...

Thanks for the memories.