Booty Pop Madness

KYPS #1: Lauren Jauregui

For the first edition of our "Know
Your Problematic Superhero", we introduce to you the goddess, Lauren Jauregui, from Planet Green Eyes Attack You.

Unlike other superheroes or supervillains, she's the only one hiding behind a human alter ego, pretending to be this cute smol bean which could melt the hearts of all humanity with only just one cheeky smile.

Alter ego: Lern Jergi

Known Affiliations: Fifth Harmony, Camren, Laucy

Lauren's relationship status: "separately single"

Her pet peeves: people making assumptions, airport security, grammatical errors, Donald Trump, Brad Simpson, sexism, and the patriarchy.

Her superpower is called The Jauregui Effect - a very lethal power and usually couldn't be avoided by anybody who so much as glance at her. It could instantly kill your heterosexuality, although there were reported humans that are supposedly immune from it, but rest assured those are very rare cases. The Jauregui effect is quite potent. It can make pussies wet to prevent global warming, and ovaries explode to curb the problem of overpopulation. She turns girls gay just by looking at them, and makes girls turn religious just by blinking or breathing or sticking her pink tongue out. She can also make people lose their train of thoughts, or sometimes lose the ability to speak, that way, it gives her time to talk about politics and feminism and social issues without any interruptions. When she does The Wobble, even Michelle Obama turns into a big puddle of jauregay, as she hugs Lauren from behind, mumbling "Daddy" over and over again, and we all know she's not talking about Barack.

If The Wobble doesn't work, Lauren Jauregui powers it up by bringing out her secret weapon: a chair, and will proceed to dance Big Bad Wolf. According to surviving witnesses (those rare straight girls who were unaffected by her powers), upon doing the BBW moves, girls were hypnotized to throw their bras at her, eardrums explode and vocal chords snap due to the non-stop girlish screeching. After demonstrating her BBW moves, you'll see hundreds of girls under 15 who are dead on the floor.

Lauren Jauregui's powers lie on her green eyes, messy hair, cute front teeth, adorable double chin, and big Cuban booty. Like Superman, she gets her strength from the sun and some good ass weed. She eats everything you put in front of her (especially when she has the munchies), but her favorite comfort food is something she likes to call "Camzzi". It's supposed to be a Cuban delicacy, but we are not sure what kind of dish it really is.

Her arch-nemeses are a band of villains who live in a separate bus and like to call themselves Go So Low with three main members: Rogeroo Pooperoo (this reptilian leader of the gang can manipulate and control people's minds), Seen-You (she has x-ray vision and can see everything), Ale The Hot Tamale (this dashing salt & pepper gentleman can turn you into a lizard just by eye contact). Some would say that they have a Jr. GSL member-in-training, called Askme D'you Know? aka Ashlee PooPoo. She can hypnotize you to follow her around using her guitar skills. Thought to be a descendant of The Pied Piper). It was speculated that there is another member of GSL, and was said to be more notorious than Rogeroo Pooperoo, but nobody has evidence to confirm her affiliation to the group. We don't know her real identity, but she was rumored to be a shape-shifting Black Widow who lures and disposes mates every three months. They say she has a reptilian side, which only makes her even more threatening.

While Lauren Jauregui possesses immense powers, she has one crippling phobia. She's scared of boats. Because, one time, she was on a cruise ship called Camren and it was raided by delusional pirates and she almost choked to death by the amount of bras thrown at her. But another superhero saved her and soon became her special friend. Her name is Lu—

-- wait, that's another story, kids.

Stay tuned for the next episode of "Know Your Problematic Superhero!"

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A/N:
Reminding you all that this is just humor or satire.

Please vote or check out my other fics, and let me know which superhero/villain you wanna see featured next. 😛